The first family of heavy metal has oversaturated the airwaves, but the Osbournes have yet to master the Web: There are surprisingly few Osbournes shrines to be found online. (Their fans are either unconnected, or they’ve simply moved on to obsessing over American Idol.) But before you adopt a new rock & roll reality show, find out a few lesser-known facts about the Osbournes on these websites.
BEST OSBOURNES SIMULATOR Relive the series on your desktop with the Osbournes microsite (mtv.co.uk/osbournes). This interactive version of the house and family, seemingly inspired by the hit PC game The Sims, lets you lead Kelly into Jack’s bedroom to make fun of his CD collection, dress Jack in combat fatigues and stab the furniture, make Lola poo on the carpet, and force Ozzy to bang on the TV remote until he says: ”If I was Hendrix I’d be setting fire to this by now.” A
MOST AUTHENTIC OZZY SITE Forget the MTV-sanitized father-in-recovery that Ozzy has become, and reunite with that going-off-the-rails madman who thrashed alongside Randy Rhoads and Zakk Wylde, and cowrote songs with Motorhead’s Lemmy. The place to do it: Ozzyhead.com, a tribute site dutifully run by ’69 Camaro driver Mitch Van Beekum. The suicide solutions here include an Ozzy soundboard, a full page of Ozzy tattoo photos, and clips of Ozzy singing ”She Drives Me Crazy” and ”Shake Your Head (Let’s Go to Bed).” A-
BEST KELLY GOSSIP Her official website (kellyosbourne.com) is merely a placeholder. And Kelly Is Queen! (geocities.com/metalmaxrocks/) looks suspiciously like a publicity ploy. But thanks to YM magazine online (ym.com/stars/mar2902.jsp), you can still revel in a page full of relationship advice from the pink-haired pop princess of darkness — who, as of March, claimed she hadn’t kissed anyone in a year. B-
WORST JACK SITE Jack Is My Love Slave! (geocities.com/moosicgrl/) looks like it may be run by Sharon or one of her cronies. That’s one explanation for this site, which looks like it was designed by the same folks behind the aforementioned Kelly Is Queen! Web page. C
MOST PROVOCATIVE SHARON SITE Groupie Central (www.groupiecentral.com/gwlsharon.html), which compiles biographies of ”groupies, wives, and lovers of music celebrities,” has a few stories about Sharon that you may have missed on Behind the Music. Like the one about how Ozzy was arrested for trying to strangle her. She later dropped the charges. B+
WHERE TO FIND AIMEE The shy Osbourne may have declined the glare of MTV’s spotlight, but she can’t escape the Web — or paparazzi. Do a caption search for her name at WireImage (wireimage.com) to find photos of the recluse taken as recently as June. See, the Web is good for something after all. B