1 BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN The New Jersey rocker has said he won’t run for Senate. He wants to stay respectable.
2 BRITNEY SPEARS She’s rumored to be back together with Justin Timberlake. Face it, there aren’t that many multimillionaires in her age bracket to pick from.
3 SPIRIT: STALLION OF THE CIMARRON A history of the American West through the eyes of a horse. Instead of the standard view, through the horse’s other end.
4 MEMORIAL DAY We’re going to spend it in our second car at our weekend traffic jam. It’s a break from the stress of the city.
5 GRATEFUL DEAD The surviving band members are reuniting for a two-day concert. If there’s time, they plan to play two songs.
6 INSOMNIA Al Pacino has trouble falling asleep. Until costar Robin Williams gets him to rent Patch Adams.
7 DRAMA DESK AWARDS It’s too bad they only give these out for plays. Many homes and offices could win them easily.
8 EMINEM’S EARLY SHOW His latest album hits stores a week early to beat the Internet pirates. Oh, that’ll fool ’em.
9 M2000 The $200 running shoe from New Balance. It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ”I have to run to the bank.”
10 CREATING A LIFE Not many people are buying the much-publicized book about how few career women over 40 have babies. Putting it near the children’s section is killing sales.
11 QUEEN ELIZABETH II She’s commemorating 50 years on the throne with a jubilee. When all of Britain gets together to make her life a little easier and more glamorous.
12 NATIONAL SPELLING BEE It’s amazing that 15-year-olds know the definitions of words like zymosan. It’s the word no that baffles them.
13 MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT Or, as most modern women like to call this sexist throwback, That ’50s Show.
14 CSI VERSUS ER For the first time in eight years, ER is no longer TV’s most-watched drama. Inject two high-profile guest stars with deadly diseases, stat!
15 BONO The do-gooding Irish rock star is in Africa with Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill. He’s trying to convince him not to do to Africa what he’s done here.