1 Ally McBeal No amount of guest stars and gimmicks seemed to cure its anorexic ratings. It’s as if no one cares about the problems of being well-off, skinny, and cute.
2 Robert Blake He’s been charged with murdering his wife. Why did it take the LAPD so long? Oh yeah, he’s white.
3 American Bandstand’s 50th Anniversary It’s hard to watch that first show. Dick Clark looks like he’s 70.
4 Hawaii Five-O The long-running TV police drama may be made into a movie. But they’ll film it in Vancouver to save money.
5 Life Or Something Like It A bum tells Angelina Jolie that she’ll die next Thursday. A damn shame, but more important, what’s the stock market going to do next Thursday?
6 Jason X The hockey-masked serial killer goes to space. Half-naked teenage aliens had better watch out.
7 Tagines The cone-shaped clay cooking pots from Morocco are the latest kitchen fad. Rich people who don’t cook will be the first to have them.
8 Saddam Hussein A novel attributed to the sadistic dictator is now a play in Iraq. Amazingly, it didn’t get one bad review.
9 Tonya Harding She’s been charged with DUI. Honey, you’ve got to park your mobile home before you can drink in it.
10 Queen Elizabeth II The sour-faced monarch agreed to kick off a nationwide Beatles sing-along in June. But they couldn’t talk her into wearing go-go boots and a miniskirt.
11 Courtney Love The remaining Nirvana members want her to get psychiatric testing. That should patch up any hard feelings between them.
12 Kentucky Derby They say my horse has a good chance of finishing first this year. The problem is he started running last year.
13 Valley Of The Malls San Fernando Valley residents want to secede from L.A. Let Los Angeles get its own cultural attractions.
14 Dream Street The parents of the teen singers claim the group’s creators introduced the boys to alcohol and sex. Yeah, kids never hear about that kind of stuff on television.
15 Sequels Reprises of Ocean’s Eleven, Seven, The Thomas Crown Affair, and Meet the Parents are being talked about. In the Bedroom II will be called In the Bathroom.