1 THE BOURNE IDENTITY Amnesiac Matt Damon can’t figure out why everyone is trying to kill him. Then he remembers he was a stockbroker.
2 JONNY GLOW A glow-in-the-dark strip for the inside of the toilet so people don’t miss it in the dark. Here’s an easier idea — a light.
3 OZZY MERCHANDISE Hitting the stores soon, a cuddly teddy bear that says, ”I’m the prince of f — -ing darkness.” The perfect sweet-16 present.
4 WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE ABC is pulling the once-hot series. Rather than change it to Who Wants Fifty Bucks.
5 WOODY ALLEN He went to court to get millions from his former producer. No one will be surprised if that’s the plot of his next film.
6 SIR MICK JAGGER Queen Elizabeth II will reportedly honor him for his contributions to music. Anybody think she could name one?
7 WINONA Prosecutors may introduce evidence of other misdeeds in her shoplifting case. If only they’d go after Enron execs this hard.
8 WINDTALKERS A film about the Navajos who foiled the enemy code breakers during WWII. Because the Japanese could only speak Hopi.
9 J. LO She reportedly split with her husband after eight months. ”Is that all?” she said. ”It seemed more like two thirds of a year.”
10 JOHN MCENROE The former tennis star has written an autobiography called You Cannot Be Serious. That’s exactly what the clerk said when I bought a copy.
11 INGMAR BERGMAN He donated 45 crates of memorabilia to various film foundations. The crates are gray. They are cold. They are empty.
12 SCOOBY-DOO A mostly live-action film of the ’70s cartoon detectives and their dog who investigate eerie paranormal incidents. Like how they talked Sarah Michelle Gellar into this.
13 U.S. OPEN For the first time it’s being played on a public course. They’ll do that every 200 years to show they’re not elitists.
14 OPRAH AFTER THE SHOW The Oxygen network will broadcast chats with her audience after her regular show finishes taping. But that pretty much is her regular show.
15 DIARY PRESENTS: BRANDY — SPECIAL DELIVERY The former Moesha star will let MTV film the last few months of her pregnancy and delivery. What’s next — Justin Timberlake’s Colonoscopy?