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Nuts and Bolton

10 Stupid Questions with Michael Bolton

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Some things you may not know about Michael Bolton: In his pre-adult-contemporary days, the 49-year-old ex-headbanger opened for Ozzy Osbourne and Krokus. He’s worked with everyone from Babs to Shania, who cowrote two tracks on his new album, Only a Woman Like You (Jive). And when it comes to his curiously curated coif, he’s a bit weary of the m word, as evidenced by this round of stupid questions.

Let’s start with the hair. Looking back at old pictures, it’s really quite something—a very luxurious, lengthy do….

You had to go to the mullet, didn’t you? [Affects backwoods Southern drawl] ”My granddaddy taught me to wear my hair like that when we used to bury bodies out in the yard. That’s why I associate it with good times.”

When you toured with equally big-haired Kenny G in the early ’90s, did you get mistaken for each other?

No, but 10 years later, walking through security at any airport, there’s always someone working those machines [yelling], ”Kenny G! I love you! I love you!” [Kenny] says he deals with the same thing. I’ve had short hair for four years and if that person doesn’t know the difference between us, they probably don’t recognize their own kids when they get home.

As an ex-headbanger, which do you prefer: Kill ‘Em All or Master of Puppets?

Oh, man, Metallica was not my thing. It’s like deciding which Police Academy movie was deeper or more impactful.

One of your biggest hits was ”Said I Loved You…But I Lied.” Do you at least like me?

I’ll let you know when I read this piece.

About two weeks ago, I had a friend of mine hug one. And he’s now somewhere in a bay.

The critic. People would actually miss my friend.

Do people confuse you with the ”Michael Bolton” character from Office Space?

Everything I do will be promotion for Office Space for the rest of my life. They had to make that f — -ing movie! Do you know what it’s like having 22-year-old kids walk up to you and go, ”Oh, my God, it’s, like, the real Michael Bolton. Like, dude, have you seen Office Space?” I was doing fine. Then they made this movie, and I can’t go anywhere.

You’ve worked with Kiss and Bob Dylan. Who wears the biggest codpiece?

Oh, I don’t know. But when you’re looking at Dylan, you can’t stop thinking, ”My God, this is Bob Dylan.” [Pauses] And he wasn’t even in Office Space!

A friend says you wrote the soundtrack to his dental work. Do you get that a lot?

His dentist was probably p — -ed at him. Don’t tell me—he was going under, and [when the music started], he said, ”Wait! This isn’t supposed to hurt!”

Finally, Michael, how am I supposed to live without you?

Impossible. Try as you will. Impossible.