1 Kid Rock & Pamela Anderson They’re engaged. In what?
2 Star Wars: Episode II We should be proud of the people already standing in line for the May 16 premiere. It means they can go a whole month without seeing their shrink.
3 The Bachelor He will finally choose one of the 25 women to be his bride. The show will return next year as The Divorce.
4 Hollywood Squares What big star is leaving the show over a salary dispute? Please, if they were big stars, they wouldn’t be doing Hollywood Squares.
5 Ellen Will her new weekday talk show be all gay all the time? No, she’ll leave that to Jerry Springer, Jenny Jones, Montel Williams, Maury Povich, and Ricki Lake.
6 The Scorpion King Pro wrestler The Rock should do well in his first starring role. He went to the best acting school in the country, the WWF.
7 The Osbournes The family reportedly wants MTV to pay them millions for a second season. For that kind of money you could get the Osmonds.
8 Kelsey Grammer He made a six-figure donation to his Florida high school. Or they would send out seniors to hold his head in the toilet until he did.
9 Take Our Daughters To Work Day Last year we had them clean the glass ceiling.
10 Murder By Numbers A high school genius plots the perfect murder. That’s the trouble with the world—those damn geniuses.
11 ”Secretaries Day” Businesspeople got sick of giving them flowers and taking them to lunch. So they made them all personal assistants.
12 Crocodile Hunter The Australian daredevil made a reported $8.7 million last year wrestling crocs. And the good news is that there’s no point in saving any of it for his old age.
13 Wayne Newton He and his wife are using a surrogate mother to have a child. That’s way less painful than an epidural.
14 Roy Rogers’ Museum It’s for sale for around $8 million, but it doesn’t include the cowboy’s stuffed horse Trigger. That’s on loan to the Louvre.
15 Clint Eastwood He owned the largest hardwood tree in the U.S. until someone recently found a bigger one. The old tree’s agent dropped him.