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The Osbournes A-Z

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Animals Currently they care for five canines and three kitties: ”It’s like f — -ing Dr. Dolittle’s f — -ing house here,” complains Dad (see also: Lola).

Bird, The Household sign of affection, as flipped by both Jack and Ozzy.

Credit Card A gold version of which was lost by a panicked Kelly, after a girls-only shopping expedition with Dad’s charge account.

Diet Soda Ozzy’s frequent elixir of choice.

Elijah Wood Effortlessly polite part-time Frodo — and apparent music fan — who, along with his sister, pays a visit to the Ozzy homestead after seeing a band with Kelly and Jack.

F — – The oft-recurring, default obscenity employed by the Os-bournes (e.g., ”Shut the f — – up and go to bed,” Sharon endearingly tells the kids).

Gynecologist Source of animosity for Kelly, who’s unwillingly booked for an appointment by her older sister, which leads to a loud discussion with Dad over the merits of ”vagina doctors.”

Ham Sharon’s weapon of choice against her noisy neighbors; after tossing a piece of pork over the fence, she receives a visit from the police.

In-Store Appearance Promotional stint held at a Los Angeles record store, where Ozzy signs chests, plays with infants, and handles a ferret.

Jay Leno Host of The Tonight Show, which Sharon forces Ozzy to make an appearance on, even though she admits it’s ”too mainstream,” and that ”Ozzy doesn’t like doing any TV at all”; Ozzy and Jay engage in an awkward preshow chat.

Kissing When indulged in by Sharon and Ozzy, proves disgusting to Kelly, who claims her folks are ”too old” to be snogging in public.

Lola Once the most pugnacious pooch in the house (before getting the heave-ho), this mischievous bulldog chewed a chair, tussled with Ozzy’s bulldog puppet, and soiled the rug after a session with a pet therapist.

Michael Osbourne security guard, who mostly watches TV with Ozzy.

Nanny The admirably unflappable Melinda, who’s in charge of kee-ping Jack and Kelly on time, and on their best behavior when the parents are otherwise engaged. Among her duties: picking up Jack after his delinquency-ridden stay at a ”hippieish” school camp, and taking Kelly to the vet, where one of the cats gets a procedure done ”up [the] bum.”

Ouija Board Used as a decoration for Kelly’s elaborate birthday party, which also involved a contortionist, hordes of camera-friendly L.A. teens, and — much to Ozzy’s chagrin — pounding dance music.

P. Diddy Self-professed Ozzy fan who runs into him backstage at MTV’s TRL; Ozzy says he’s ”so glad…that court case went okay.”

Queen Of Metal Sharon’s affectionate nickname for Pomeranian Minnie.

Remote Control A source of frustration for History Channel-loving Ozzy, who relies on Jack to help him with the house’s newfangled satellite system.

Skulls A recurring interior-design motif within Chateau Osbourne.

Tattoo Kelly gets a small heart on her left hip for her birthday; Mum objects, while Dad warns her of his own needle-and-ink skin infections.