1 Oprah’s Book Club She can’t find enough good books to plug one a month? Aren’t Proust, Austen, Cervantes, and Homer up to Wally Lamb’s high standards?
2 The Sweetest Thing Cameron Diaz’s butt gets almost as much face time in this romantic comedy as she does. Soon it will have its own agent and a three-picture deal.
3 Mike Wallace The 83-year-old 60 Minutes newsman is cutting his workload in half. Slacker.
4 Kenny The South Park creators got bored of killing him every week. They’ll replace him with Wile E. Coyote.
5 Martha Inc. The unauthorized bio paints her as dominatrix of domesticity. Apparently she’s not warm and fuzzy like other media moguls Sumner Redstone and Rupert Murdoch.
6 Sarah Jessica Parker The Sex and the City star is pregnant. How suburban.
7 Bob Guccione His once mighty Penthouse is flaccid. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free on the Internet?
8 Tom & Penelope The rumor is they’ve split up. It’s back to the personal ads for them.
9 Changing Lanes A minor traffic dispute turns into a match to the death between two drivers. In New York City that’s called a taxi ride to the airport.
10 April 15 If people wouldn’t wait until the very last minute to file, I wouldn’t have to wait in those long lines.
11 ”Party Hard” The catchy hit for the binge drinker in your family. How come there are no catchy songs about getting a job and paying rent?
12 The Simpsons A Brazilian tourism agency may sue for portraying Rio in an unflattering light. You never see the good side of squalid, homeless street kids on TV.
13 Charles Frazier The Cold Mountain author got a reported $8.25 million advance for his second book. The first thing he’s going to do with the money is heat the place.
14 Frailty A horror movie in which a man thinks his brother is a serial killer. No, all 9-year-olds act like that.
15 Britney Spears She has a cameo in Austin Powers 3 as Mini-Me’s girlfriend. But he dumps her for someone more realistic—a Barbie doll.