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Keeping Up With The Osbournes

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Is there room for two reality-show sitcoms about shock rockers? Alice Cooper, who slaughters dolls and gets himself hanged in concert, says his family is more bizarre than Ozzy Osbourne’s on the MTV hit The Osbournes. ”You would expect us to live in a castle somewhere, but we’re the most normal family, which is even weirder,” Cooper says. Despite the clan’s wild onstage antics — 20-year-old daughter Calico plays a Britney Spears look-alike who gets her head chopped off, while Sheryl, his wife of 26 years, has danced in a skeleton costume — Cooper insists their home life is tame. Golf, PTA meetings, and regular church attendance are the norm for the brood — which includes school-age son Dash and daughter Sonora. ”What we do on stage is a lot different than what we do at home,” he says. ”We’re more schizophrenic than the Osbournes.” And unlike Ozzy’s profane gang, Cooper warns: ”You’re not allowed to swear at our house.”

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”I’m full of strength and courage, and I’m big and I’m fast and I’m scary. I go to the bathroom indoors, though.” — DENIS LEARY, on how he’s similar to Diego the saber-toothed tiger, his character in Ice Age