1 THE $62,700 DINNER Did six bankers in London have the most expensive meal of all time? Not if your wife catches you eating with your girlfriend at McDonald’s.
2 BONO The U2 singer is everywhere trying to save the world. Now that things are perfect in Ireland.
3 40 DAYS AND 40 NIGHTS A single guy gives up sex for Lent. How religious. Next year he’s giving up shoplifting.
4 WE WERE SOLDIERS To be authentic, they make you wait in line for four hours to see this movie and then send you somewhere else.
5 JANE KACZMAREK Malcolm in the Middle’s mom has been absent from the set due to migraine headaches. Take two pay raises and call me in the morning.
6 WATCHING ELLIE Julia Louis-Dreyfus is worried about the Seinfeld curse — that she may be stuck doing a show for nine years and making millions.
7 THE ROSIE O’DONNELL SHOW They ejected a woman for flashing her breasts at the camera. Where did she think she was — NYPD Blue?
8 ELVIS Some company is slapping his face on a bunch of 2002 Tennessee quarters. Finally, the perfect present for the cousins’ wedding.
9 SURVIVOR: MARQUESAS The new contestants will be given no food or water. On day 3 they eat a cameraman.
10 KATHLEEN TURNER She says she’s not interested in men under 29. Because they don’t know who she is.
11 DAVID DUCHOVNY It’s official, he will appear in the final X-Files. Gee, where will he find the time?
12 LEAP OF FAITH Young, single women talk about guys and life. It’s Sex and the City for people too cheap to get HBO.
13 AARON SORKIN For some reason, the West Wing creator thinks the press is going too easy on George W. Bush, the best President we’ve ever had in our history.
14 MISS CLEO The government made the phone psychic change her business practices. She couldn’t see that coming?
15 PANTY HOSE FOR MEN Yeah, I wear mine to the gym. I don’t feel any better, but guys give up the machines quicker when I stand behind them.