1 PAIRS FIGURE SKATING Actually all the judges thought they voted for the Canadians. But the French judge voted for Pat Buchanan by mistake.
2 FRIENDS The stars have agreed to return for one last season. They want to be movie stars but can’t afford the pay cut.
3 CLONING CATS Couldn’t they save a step and just clone shredded upholstery instead?
4 THE OSBOURNES An MTV show featuring the aging rocker and his real-life family. They wanted to call it something else but Antiques Roadshow was already taken.
5 BARRY MANILOW He’s been inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame. Who knew it had a Lite-FM wing?
6 GEORGE MICHAEL The singer’s house was reportedly robbed of $140,000 worth of stuff. What’d they steal — 2 million Wham! albums?
7 THE SWIMSUIT ISSUE It’s funny — Vogue never does a football issue.
8 DRAGONFLY Kevin Costner is convinced his dead wife is trying to contact him. It’s live people who don’t want to be seen with him.
9 PAUL MCCARTNEY A hotel is reportedly offering him $4 million to play in Las Vegas for one night. But he will have to sing and tame a lion at the same time.
10 QUEEN OF THE DAMNED A movie version of Anne Rice’s Vampire Lestat novel. Not a documentary of the French ice-skating judge.
11 JOAN COLLINS The 68-year-old actress married a 36-year-old man. He only wishes she’d stop calling movies ”talkies.”
12 SPRING TRAINING Baseball players are back practicing the basics — portfolio diversification, tax avoidance, P/E ratios, convertible bonds…
13 THE GRAMMYS Best awards show with too many categories. By a Paraguayan/Finnish group or duo, instrumental.
14 THE LORD OF THE RINGS The adventure fantasy got 13 Oscar nominations. You know those Orcs; they vote in a bloc.
15 HOW TO KILL YOUR NEIGHBOR’S DOG It stars Kenneth Branagh. But critics are questioning whether Shakespeare really wrote it.