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Axel Roles

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Too bad Blade II is hitting theaters on March 22. We’ll have to find another title for the inevitable TV movie based on this year’s Olympic skating controversy. (Note: To safeguard ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY’s casting process, we’ve excluded French actors.)

Golden Globe-winning Alias ass-kicker Jennifer Garner as gold medal-winning Canadian ice-kicker Jamie Sale

Stark Raving Mad’s king of yutzes Neil Patrick Harris as star skating lad and king of lutzes David Pelletier

Brittany Murphy, who appeared in Girl, Interrupted, as Elena Berezhnaya, who saw her twirl interrupted by a skate-blade to the head

Dermot Mulroney, who got married in My Best Friend’s Wedding, as Anton Sikharulidze, who got harried by Olympic referees

Actress Lili Taylor, readily identifiable with indie film, as judge Marie-Reine Le Gougne, readily identifiable with enmity and flimflam

Shiny, happy chrome-domed crooner Michael Stipe as whiny, yappy chrome-domed commentator Scott Hamilton