1 Collateral Damage Arnold Schwarzenegger fights terrorists. If you’ve got CNN, do you really need to go see this?
2 Goldmember The MPAA ruled it can’t be the title of the new Austin Powers movie. It’s now a toss-up between In Her Majesty’s Victoria’s Secret or Thunderpole.
3 Friends Rumor is they want a million dollars an episode for their ninth season. But the bad news is they’ll get only 29 weeks off a year.
4 Curling Watch as much of it as you can. It’ll be another four years before you see a man on TV pick up a broom.
5 Catherine Zeta-Jones She’s the new model for Elizabeth Arden. Results for people who don’t already look like Catherine Zeta-Jones may vary.
6 Greta Van Susteren She has the bags under her eyes removed and it’s news. Sean Hannity has his brain removed and no one mentions it.
7 Jesse Ventura There are plans under way to bring a musical of his life to Broadway. I’d rather sit through George Pataki twice.
8 Pamela Anderson She announced that she soon plans to quit acting. How will we be able to tell?
9 Valentine’s Day Roses are red, violets are blue, you forgot to get a gift, so what else is new?
10 Freeze-Dried Pets The latest bizarre trend is to have Fluffy frozen after death, not buried. The only question now is, do we wait till they die?
11 Kelsey Grammer A tabloid says the Frasier star has started taking a helicopter to work. But NBC always lets someone else land in his spot.
12 Rollerball A film that rails against all the violence on television. But it’s okay to use it in movies like this.
13 Big Fat Liar A Hollywood producer is caught stealing a teenager’s idea for a movie. So that’s where Slackers came from.
14 Bono He’s at the Super Bowl, he’s tight with Bill Gates, he met with the Pope. And he can’t afford new sunglasses?
15 Celine Dion She’s returning to showbiz after two years of retirement. Yeah, it’s hard to live on a fixed income.