With nary a third-degree burn or munched rat, and even though it was a consistent top five ratings-grabber, Survivor‘s African excursion never quite mustered enough jaw-dropping intrigue to lure many of you away from Friends. But now that Ethan Zohn has been voted the show’s newest millionaire, you may be wondering what you missed. Here’s a recap of the low-impact highlights from around the Kenyan campfire.
—EPISODE 1 Clarence enrages everyone by eating his tribe’s beans, instantly establishing him as the worst Survivor player since alleged jerky chomper Kel.
—EPISODE 2 Host Jeff Probst pontificates on how local tribesmen would never hurt a cow. Cut to…a local shooting an arrow into a cow’s throat, providing blood for the Survivors’ fun drinking game.
—EPISODE 3 Middle-aged dentist Carl repeatedly curses ”Generation X.” Meanwhile, baby boomer Tom dances with a feather stuck in his ass.
—EPISODE 4 While fetching water, the Boran tribe encounters a giant cow! It frightens them! Then the cow leaves, and they get water. End of adventure.
—EPISODE 5 Lindsey finds a tick on her butt. Lex and Tom remove it, and Tom spanks her rear in celebration. This isn’t a reward challenge.
—EPISODE 6 With his constant sneering, eye rolling, and laziness, Brandon becomes the most counterproductive gay role model since, well, Richard Hatch.
—EPISODE 7 While moving his bowels, Clarence is startled by a herd of elephants—the reverse order in which those two acts usually occur.
—EPISODE 8 (clip show) Clarence paints his abs to make them look more defined. Such vanity is rendered laughable after pooping on national TV a week earlier.
—EPISODE 9 When pointing out his Kenyan helper, Jeff makes most unique introduction ever: ”You guys remember Charles from when we drank blood?”
—EPISODE 10 Everyone gathers around to squeeze Tom’s enormous boil.
—EPISODE 11 Kim J.’s legs are so swollen that poking them leaves a lasting fingerprint. (The gams still get less camera time than Tom’s boil.) Kim P. weeps when she sees her mother on tape. Sadly, there is no romantic Colbyesque sleepover party in the back of a van.
—EPISODE 12 The reward challenge is a word jumble, but, surprisingly, immunity does not involve a Mad Lib.
—EPISODE 13 Hammering home just how forgettable Survivor: Africa turned out to be, Bryant Gumbel misintroduces the winner as ”Ethan Zore.”