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Sex and despair as the bonfire burns

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Temptation Island
Temptation Island 2: Jason Willheim/Fox

Sex and despair as the bonfire burns

The action on ”Temptation Island 2” is getting so hot, the latest episode was a bonfire bonanza, designed to show the couples their supposed loved ones engaging in as much scandalous activity as possible. ”The point is not to turn the screws to make you upset and cry,” explained Mark L. Walberg as he sat the ladies down before showing them video of their boyfriends acting like pigs. This was a priceless moment, because how often do you see a reality host have no qualms whatsoever about lying to his contestants’ faces? Walberg — God, I love that guy.

Other than Nikkole getting a bit cocky after watching a tape of boyfriend Tommy making out with some ‘ho (”I’ve done better than that,” she commented), the best moments came courtesy of deep-in-denial Shannon. She watched footage of John discussing his feelings for a chick named Nyla, and immediately proclaimed ”no worries” while wearing that freaky ”everything absolutely perfect” smile pasted all over her face. I began to think we were watching the beginnings of a mental breakdown on camera, and as it turned out, I was right!

Next thing we know, Walberg was being briefed by a member of the ”Temptation Island” security detail (I know, this makes no sense) who informed his host that Shannon had been caught on camera writing secret notes to boyfriend John. Walberg immediately conducted an investigation of the bonfire bathroom and discovered the notes hidden all about. Apparently deciding his guest had not been humiliated quite enough, he proceeded to read the love letters… OUT LOUD… ON CAMERA! I told you Walberg ruled.

Then we were treated to a beautifully packaged montage of Shannon losing her marbles. This just goes to show you that whomever is casting this program is an absolute genius. Everyone chosen has either gone on to have lots of sex (Edmundo, Nikkole) or turned cuckoo for Coco-Puffs (Genevive, Shannon). Once again, kudos to the producers.

Unfortunately, none of the guys seem to be going crazy yet, but at least most of them (except for John who is about as exciting as a game of Yahtzee! with my mother) are sufficiently maintaining their reputation as classless lowlifes with a natural talent for unintentionally hilarious remarks.

There was Mark, who explained his criteria for choosing his latest date: ”I chose Debbie because she’s good looking.” (And they say subtlety is dead.) There was Tommy, who in between expletives described himself as sitting on some sort of mushroom cloud. But the king of quotes was once again the sire of sleaze himself, Edmundo, who succinctly summed up every boyfriend’s greatest fear when he eloquently verbalized his complex emotional state thusly: ”It makes me feel bad to see some dude working my chick.” To that we can only reply, ”Dude, who’s NOT working your chick?”

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