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Celebulary

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WIZARD BLIZZARD (n.) A feel-good flurry of big-budget fantasy flicks. (See Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, The Lord of the Rings.)

LETTER-SPIN (n.) Perspective, hope, and relief offered by a corn-fed wiseass in his finest hours.

KING OF FLOP (n.) Title derisively bestowed on an aging pop star whose record fails to meet expectations, and whose digitally retouched TV special is roundly panned.

BREAKDOWN PALACES (n.) Luxury rehab or wellness centers where the rich and famous recover. (See also MARIAH’S HARI-CAREY, AFFLECK AFFLICTION.)

ROMANO HOLIDAY (n.) Day on which a down-to-earth, lauded sitcom star sits back and realizes that yes, everybody does love Raymond.

BOMB-BOMB (n.) A big-budget war movie that failed to capture the hearts of the pre-War on Terrorism public (e.g., Pearl Harbor).

BLOOPER SCOOP (n.) The revelation that 25-year-old reruns of Tim Conway flubbing his lines are more compelling than the current TV lineup. (See Carol Burnett special’s boffo ratings.)

SPIN-OFF VICTIMS’ UNIT (n.) Emergency squad trained to rescue viewers suffering from overexposure to Law & Order-related programming.

J. LOAD (v.) To exploit one’s assets to butt everyone else out of the limelight; to be omnipresent. (See J. Lo’s movie, TV, and musical offerings; also, court appearances and secret weddings.)

SWORD-DISH (n.) The use of nudity to prod ticket sales for an otherwise unremarkable flick. (See a topless Halle Berry in Swordfish.)

CLOONEY GOON (n.) An A-list actor willing to play second fiddle in a cinematic trifle headed by a certain movie hunk. (See Julia, Brad, and Matt in George Clooney’s Ocean’s Eleven.)

SHREKING BALL (n.) A big green monster who gleefully lays waste to all box office competition.

Q-BRICK (n.) A heavy, incomprehensible object left behind by a dead director to confound the living. (See Steven Spielberg’s woeful interpretation of Stanley Kubrick’s A.I. Artificial Intelligence.)

CRUISE MISSILE (n.) Something thrown or projected with the aim of smacking down a cocksure top gun, e.g., persistent gay rumors, post-breakup PR battles, a new girlfriend/costar with a reputation as box office poison.

LITTLE ORPHAN EMMY (n.) An oft-postponed awards show that, once aired, is clobbered by the World Series.