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Emmys 2017
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Body shots and new hotties enliven the drama

But Dalton Ross wonders why the great moments of sleaze are interrupted by… a tug of war contest?

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Temptation Island
Temptation Island 2: Jason Willheim/FOX

Body shots and new hotties enliven the drama

They’ve sat there and watched footage of their boyfriends doing unspeakable things to Jacuzzi floozies busy gloating in the role of home-wrecker. They’ve feigned shock and shed tears at such sights. Yes, the girlfriends of ”Temptation Island 2” have been through quite an ordeal. They could’ve fallen into a collective funk and never recovered, but instead, as Thursday night’s episode kicked off, they had a better method of responding: BODY SHOTS!!!!

After watching their boyfriends, Edmundo and Tommy, demand lap dances and assistance in the art of naked tooth-brushing, it was nice to see Catherine and Nikkole let loose with the aid of booze and boys. Unfortunately, their late-night shenanigans were once again cut way too short as we were forced to sit through another boring ceremony where contestants are voted off (even though spinmaster/host Mark L. Walberg claimed it was not so much a vote-off as ”an invitation to stay.” Huh?).

After the ladies got rid of a bunch of dudes whose names I can’t even remember (Kaine, I think, was one), the fellas had their chance to rid themselves of some excess baggage. This did provide one excellent moment when Edmundo — who, by the way, is a god in the world of sleazy reality TV — decided to send his former partner-in-slime, Hilary, packing. Edmundo, after cheating on his girlfriend with Hilary, and then immediately dissing Hilary for some hoochie named Linda, provided the evening’s most classic quote, explaining: ”I didn’t actually take into consideration that there could be other people’s feelings involved.” Like I said, a god. (Hilary, for her part, claimed to be simply ”shocked at his behavior.” Shocked!)

These selection ceremonies are for the most part a big drag. All they do is take away from the show’s best free-flowing moments (did we mention the body shots?). It seemed when this latest one ended, we’d at least be able to get back to the booze, but instead we ended up having to sit through some pointless tug-of-war competition where the contestants all yelled ”Heave!” and, more appropriately, ”Ho!” For a minute, I thought I had accidentally switched to ESPN2 or something. However, I was quickly reminded of the insanity of it all as I watched Catherine, Nikkole, Shannon, and Kelly scream, yell, and root at the top of their lungs… AGAINST their own boyfriends! Priceless.

At least it paid off, as the ladies and their single studs emerged from the contest victorious and were whisked away to a five-star resort. The other group slept in tents, cooked marshmallows, and tried to convince themselves they were better off for it. Once again, when people are sitting around a campfire making s’mores, that usually means they’re not in the process of getting wicked drunk and committing acts that will embarrass and them and their immediate family for generations to come. It is of my opinion that this a bad thing, at least on a show titled ”Temptation Island.”

This has been a running problem, as ”TI2” continues to try too hard to engineer its own drama. Perhaps taking a cue from fellow reality programs ”Big Brother” and ”Survivor,” ”TI2” has fallen into the whole trap of rewriting its own rules each and every week. It does so under the ruse of keeping the contestants on their toes, but the constant shaking up only seems to annoy them and confuse us. (Actually, I’m pretty annoyed AND confused.)

The latest switcheroo occurred when Walberg finished the episode by introducing yet another new batch of tempters to the proceedings. Why? I don’t know, and really don’t care all that much, because as long as there’s one woman, ANY woman on the island, I know my man Edmundo will be in full force. For crying out loud, my grandmother could tempt him. See, now there’s a good idea. Get me Mark Walberg on the phone!