Jim Mullen
December 07, 2001 AT 05:00 AM EST

1 BEHIND ENEMY LINES Gene Hackman leads the effort to rescue a downed flier. It seems there’s no military problem that can’t be solved by yelling.

2 SUPERTRAMP The Gap is using their ”Give a Little Bit” to sell sweaters—totally destroying its original meaning. Which was to sell lingerie.

3 GARTH BROOKS He beat out Britney for No. 1 album last week. Not showing his belly button works well for him.

4 J. LO For a British show, she reportedly asked for space for a 100-person posse. Their job is to tell her to ”keep it real.”

5 THE RECESSION The economy sucks; we’re fighting a Muslim country; Bush is President. Welcome to 1991.

6 MADONNA She says she enjoys hunting, shooting, and eating birds. But it upsets other people in Central Park.

7 SPICE GIRLS There’s talk of a reunion. Not outside the group there isn’t.

8 ALLY MCBEAL The ratings have dropped since Robert Downey Jr. left. They’ve lost the repeat-offender audience.

9 J.K. ROWLING Some say Harry Potter‘s creator could earn a billion Muggle dollars. Sounds more like a mugging to me.

10 LEIF GARRETT The ’70s teen idol has declared bankruptcy. Who knew that blowing your life savings on heroin would turn out to be a bad retirement plan?

11 MUSICAL CHRISTMAS FROM THE VATICAN With a performance by Tom Jones. Thank goodness women don’t throw panties at him anymore. Now it’s adult diapers.

12 WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE A winner of the British version is accused of having someone give him clues by coughing. His final answer was ”phlegm.”

13 THOMAS KINKADE The master of mall art made umpteen millions last year selling paintings of fanciful cottages. Critics call him the Minivan Gogh.

14 GENE SIMMONS TONGUE The men’s magazine the Kiss member will launch this spring. First issue: makeup tips for the young executive on his way up.

15 THE 2001 BILLBOARD MUSIC AWARDS Pop stars will be honored for making lots of money and having to wear expensive clothes. How do they do it?

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