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Stevie Wonder and Some Christmas Kvetch

Think the whole world gets misty-eyed over mistletoe tunes? The Dickens, we say!

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We’re all for Christmas cheer, but bad holiday tunes make us grumpy. To cut through the saccharine sentiment, we played some Xmas duds for the season’s most famous sourpuss, who offered the following critiques. (Okay, we actually swiped them from A Christmas Carol, but they’re still eerily accurate.)

DESTINY’S CHILD ”A ‘DC’ Christmas Medley” (8 Days of Christmas) ”Show me no more! Conduct me home,” says ‘Neze a few minutes into this medley of six tired Xmas staples. ”Why do you delight to torture me?”

STEVIE WONDER & WYCLEF JEAN ”Merry Christmas Baby” (A Very Special Christmas 5) ”What reason have you to be merry?” inquires Scrooge of not-so-wise man Clef, whose freestyle fumbling mars an otherwise Wonder-full take on the Charles Brown classic. ”If I could work my will, every idiot who goes about with ‘Merry Christmas’ on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!”

KENNY LOGGINS ”December Makes Me Feel This Way” (Dave Koz & Friends’ A Smooth Jazz Christmas) ”You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato,” Ebenezer theorizes about this lite-rock stomach turner. ”Are there no prisons?”

RUDY RAY MOORE ”Night Before Christmas Part One” (This Ain’t No White Christmas!) ”Merciful Heaven, what is this!” Scrooge exclaims upon hearing this naughty, 30-year-old XXXmas tune from the blaxploitation cult fave. ”You’re quite a powerful speaker, sir. I wonder you don’t go into Parliament.”

BARBRA STREISAND ”It Must Have Been the Mistletoe” (Christmas Memories) ”Remove me from this place,” he shouts, his face reddening. ”Remove me! I cannot bear it!”