We gave it a D
Targeted as a Thanksgiving moviegoing diversion for teenagers who think Harry Potter is, like, too babyish, Out Cold attempts to graft two genres: skin flicks and ski flicks. First-time filmmakers Brendan and Emmett Malloy take the formula from another comedy directed by brothers, Chris and Paul Weitz’s American Pie, and transport it to Alaska, packing snowboarding footage between the gross-out gags. The result is so derivative, they should’ve called it Eskimo Pie.
Instead of baked goods, the young rowdies who work at the Bull Mountain slopes (led by Dazed and Confused‘s Jason London) engage in sex acts with a polar bear and a hot-tub drain. For the record, they also blow slo-mo snot rockets, chug bong water, and defecate in a drug-test cup. How this swill earned a PG-13 is a question only God and Jack Valenti can answer.
The Malloys, as they’re billed, bring a raucous energy to the early scenes of debauchery, like a ”King of the Mountain” contest in which the ‘boarder with the most beer left in his mug at the bottom of the run wins. Yet their zippy pacing can’t save the listless script by Jon Zack, whose idea of a witty running joke is to have a developer (ex-Six Million Dollar Man Lee Majors, who must’ve earned a lot less for this gig) repeatedly address the resort’s wimpy owner (Sex and the City‘s Willie Garson) as ”Retard.” The screenplay’s references to Fight Club, Casablanca, and Gladiator don’t make it seem any smarter.
But who really cares when 1997 Playmate of the Year Victoria Silvstedt (as Majors’ stepdaughter) rides a mechanical bull while wearing a low-cut top? You won’t hear too many adolescent boys in the audience complaining. For anybody who’s past puberty, however, Out Cold is about as arousing as an icy shower. D