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Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

Special All-HARRY POTTER, All-the-Time Edition

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1 HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S STONE Will the movie be as good as the book? Well, for the 20 million kids who never read the book it will be.

2 PROFESSOR SNAPE Hogwarts’ meanest and most feared teacher. Didn’t we have him for high school English?

3 HARRY POTTER The world’s most famous 11-year-old kid. If you don’t count Michael Jackson.

4 HOGWARTS The medieval-fortress-like boarding school for aspiring witches and wizards in a magical part of England. But somehow most of them end up in L.A.

5 THE SORTING HAT A cap that decides which dorm Hogwarts students will belong to. Here that would be done by the Sorting Bank Account.

6 QUIDDITCH The wizard version of soccer/hockey played on broomsticks. Watch closely—it may be the last time you see a boy hold a broom.

7 MUGGLES Humans without any magical powers. Like Tom Ridge.

8 LORD VOLDEMORT The most powerful evil wizard, who will stop at nothing to kill young Harry. He used to be a cigarette company executive.

9 NIMBUS TWO THOUSAND A superfast, state-of-the-art broomstick. I had one but it was always in the shop.

10 DIAGON ALLEY The main shopping street for wizard supplies. Because you just can’t get good eye of newt at the A&P anymore.

11 NORBERT Hagrid the giant’s fire-breathing pet dragon. You could lose a hand feeding him Purina Dragon Treats.

12 DRACO MALFOY Harry’s archrival at Hogwarts. Is it an inside joke that he looks just like a young Macaulay Culkin?

13 THE DURSLEYS Harry’s caretaker aunt and uncle who make him sleep in a cupboard under the stairs. Now all kids will want to sleep there.

14 RON WEASLEY Harry’s best friend is embarrassed about not having as much money as the other boys. His poor dad is a dotcom wizard.

15 J.K. ROWLING The onetime welfare mom is the second-richest British woman behind the Queen. The funny thing is, the Queen still gets welfare.