1 MICHAEL JORDAN Will the 38-year-old basketball legend return to the game? Why not? He could make millions endorsing Polident and Metamucil.
2 ELLEN DEGENERES She wants her new show to be funny first, gay second. But it will be broadcast in bi-definition TV.
3 SEAN PENN He’ll reportedly appear on Friends as the boyfriend of Phoebe’s twin sister. What the hell kind of part do they give you if they don’t like you?
4 THE MIND OF THE MARRIED MAN If they had minds, they wouldn’t be married.
5 $27 BURGERS A Manhattan restaurant is breaking the price barrier. Their chili dogs, however, will stay at $15.
6 HARDBALL Keanu Reeves takes a Little League team from the projects and turns it into a powerhouse. First rule: no mustaches.
7 EMMY AWARDS The second-most-coveted prize in all of television. The first is a part in a movie.
8 PAULA ZAHN Fox News Channel is suing her handlers for getting her a job at CNN, reportedly for more pay. Sounds like she’ll be on Court TV for free pretty soon.
9 EMERIL The chef will be in trouble if he can boil water on his new prime-time show. Because a watched pot never boils.
10 PAY PHONES Verizon is raising the price of a local call to 50 cents. Sounds like they’ve been bought by an oil company.
11 WOLF LAKE A new series about a small town full of killer werewolves. But it has good schools and the taxes are low.
12 BOB DYLAN He’s released his 43rd album since 1961. And Mariah Carey’s the one who’s exhausted?
13 THE PONDEROSA A new version of Bonanza set 10 years before the original show. Before they opened the steakhouse.
14 SISTER WENDY The art-critic nun is shooting her last show before leaving television and returning to the convent. Boy, is there an idea for a sitcom—The Zinging Nun.
15 LIZ TAYLOR She’s coming out with a book about her jewelry collection. It’ll be called Chicken Soup for the Incredibly Wealthy Soul.