Jim Mullen
June 15, 2001 at 04:00 AM EDT

1 NICOLE KIDMAN’S STALKER He thinks that being exposed as a moron will hurt his chances to be President. Why? It hasn’t hurt anyone else.

2 SWORDFISH John Travolta has a plan to steal $9 billion and get away scot-free. The hard part: becoming the owner of a giant oil company.

3 INVISIBLE JIM A British action figure in an empty box. If you walk out with it, can they arrest you for stealing nothing?

4 U.S. OPEN Tiger Woods could win his fifth major tourney in a row. Or one of his competitors could win one in a row.

5 TOM CRUISE He filed a $100 million suit against a guy who claims he has a compromising video of the star. So call it Eyes Wide Shut and no one will ever see it.

6 ANNE HECHE Ellen’s former girlfriend is engaged to a cameraman. And he’ll be working on her new movie, The Good Bi Girl.

7 FEAR FACTOR A ”reality” show where contestants must perform dangerous stunts to win. Like getting between Jenna Bush and a drink.

8 SIX FEET UNDER The new HBO series about a family of undertakers with problems of their own. And they look so natural.

9 PINK-SLIP PARTIES Fired dotcommers and bosses with real jobs mingle over drinks. Others call it ”waiting tables.”

10 GRANNY PANTIES The huge undergarments featured in Bridget Jones’s Diary are the opposite of thongs. They’re Queen Victoria’s Secret.

11 CELEB HOMES They don’t seem to sell like they used to. It’s tough to say ”$10 million bargain” straight-faced anymore.

12 EVOLUTION David Duchovny tries to prevent aliens from taking over Earth. It’s not like they’re a bunch of rocket scientists — oh, that’s right, they are.

13 SONY The studio printed raves from an imaginary critic. If only their films showed as much imagination as their ads.

14 THE PRODUCERS The hit musical won a record 12 Tonys. Almost one for every person in the TV audience.

15 PARALITITAN STROMERI The giant dino was found in the Sahara. Under it was a sign that read ”Tastes Like Chicken.”

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