Sorry, Dionne. With you and your network of fortune-telling friends nowhere to be found these days, we sought out a new seer to solve our pop-culture conundrums. Luckily, you can’t channel-surf for long before seeing the pitch from the American Association of Professional Psychics, whose ads’ gauntlet-tossing claims (”We are the real thing”) make up for their lack of B-list celebrity spokespeople. We connected with one such certified oracle — a Southern soothsayer named Jan — to get some outrageous fortunes.
— Brian M. Raftery
— So, first things first: Please tell me they’re not going to cancel DAG!
No! I think it will stay on. But they’ll make it more controversial, and add more topical story lines. Besides, I think it’s a good show.
— Any idea who’s going to win Survivor?
No, but I can tell who’s going off. Jerri’s going to cause some hard feelings and trouble — so she’s going to be leaving fairly soon. And her acting bug is going to fall flat. But Mitchell’s eventually going to sell some of his music — I think we’re going to hear a lot more from him. It’s also going to get tough for Rodger as it goes on, as well as for Kimmi — I see them both going soon. [Editor’s note: This interview took place the day before Kimmi’s ouster — oooh, eerie!]
— How long is this Kelly Ripa thing going to last?
From what I feel, I don’t think she’ll last very long — she may go another six months to a year. It’s hard for anybody who’s going to take Kathie Lee’s place.
— Is Robert Downey Jr. going to stay out of jail this time?
I don’t really see him going to jail — but that could be because I don’t want him to go to jail. I feel this was a setup deal, but I can’t see who exactly set it up, and I’ve been working on that for a long time.
— This one doesn’t have to do with TV, but I gotta ask: How hot is my future wife going to be?
Well, bless your heart. I see dark, curly shoulder-length hair and dark eyes — a cozy kind of color. And luscious lips.
– Look out, Jessica Alba. Final question: Are they going to be able to keep the Oscar ceremony under three hours this year?
I don’t know. But what I really can’t figure out is who’s going to be hosting it. I think it might be Garry Shandling …
— You know what? They already announced Steve Martin as host.
Well, see, I was wrong on that one.