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Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

What the country is talking about this week …

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1 Billionaire Proposed show where contestants spend $1 million in a half hour. Can you play even if you don’t have kids?

2 3000 Miles to Graceland Kevin Costner plans to rob a casino disguised as an Elvis impersonator. But a Colonel Parker imitator wants half the money.

3 Baywatch The popular show’s been canceled after 12 years. They just couldn’t keep up the quality writing.

4 Britney Spears She’ll get gazillions to be a spokesperson for Pepsi. Call me if they need a spokesperson for cheap gin.

5 Down to Earth Chris Rock dies before his time and is sent back as a white guy. But he’s just not happy in Michael Jackson’s body.

6 Emmy awards They’ve created two new award categories for reality programs. Stupidest and Smuttiest.

7 Sean John Puffy has previewed his fall menswear line. Each sport coat comes with a fashion-forward matching shoulder holster.

8 Saint Isidore The Pope may name the 7th-century author the patron saint of Internet users. Putting her statue atop your monitor may prevent spam.

9 LeAnn Rimes She apologized for her new CD, saying it was mostly old tracks that couldn’t make it onto earlier albums. You can’t buy publicity like that.

10 Arnold Schwarzenegger He may run for office. It’s like Hollywood except for one thing — lights, camera, inaction.

11 Winter vacations The beaches are full, the slopes are packed. Let’s hope we have another recession next year.

12 Jane Fonda The Oscar-winning actress says she rarely exercises anymore. Why bother? All the good billionaires are either married or gay. Sometimes both.

13 The A-Team A movie is in the works about the band of antisocial misfits who bring bad guys to justice. Starring Sam Donaldson and Chris Matthews.

14 Sweet November Charlize Theron plays a woman who gets it into her head she must change lovers every month. I always heard it was your water filter.

15 Presidents’ Day Why do we honor Lincoln and Washington by buying bargain sheets? Cuz it’s too cold to play golf.