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What To Watch

A day-to-day guide to notable programs. (times are Eastern standard and are subject to change)

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Monday February 12

8-11PM
Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show (USA) Fred Willard … uh, make that Joe Garagiola, is back explaining why people who pamper their pets with expensive beauty care products are not actually insane. (Concludes Feb. 13)

8-10PM
These Old Broads (ABC) Elizabeth Taylor, Shirley MacLaine, Debbie Reynolds, and Joan Collins star in a story about grumpy old women.

9-11PM
A Mother’s Fight For Justice (Lifetime) Meredith Baxter struggles to maintain family ties after her son is seriously injured by a drunk driver.

9-10:30PM*
Marcus Garvey: Look For Me In The Whirlwind (PBS, TV-PG) If you don’t find him there, you can also look for the controversial black nationalist in this edition of ”American Experience.” *Check Local Listings

10-11PM
Gideon’s Crossing (ABC, TV-PG-L) Billy Dee Williams guests as a patient with walking pneumonia. That’s what you get for double crossing Han Solo, buddy.

9-11:30PM
The Espy Awards (ESPN) You know what would make this sports awards show even cooler? If the winning athletes would incorporate some in game antics (such as throat slitting and those bizarre gyrating sack dances) into their acceptance speeches. Who knows? Maybe host Samuel L. Jackson (left) can egg someone into doing the Ickey Shuffle.

Tuesday February 13

8-9PM
Buffy The Vampire Slayer (The WB, TV-14-DLV) Buffy gives Spike a stake to the heart of a different sort when she rejects his lovey dovey advances.

8-9PM
The Mole (ABC, TV-PG) In yet another challenge seemingly scripted by the creative geniuses behind Big Brother, the group must ”defend their fortress against foreign aggressors.”

8-9PM*
Secrets Of The Pharaohs (PBS, TV-PG) The miniseries that asks: Was Tutankhamen nothing more than a worthless inbred? (Part 1 of 3) *Check Local Listings

9-9:30PM
Dharma & Greg (ABC, TV-PG-D) Greg has every right to curse the gods when Hercules himself (Kevin Sorbo) keeps making time with his woman.

10-11PM
NYPD Blue (ABC, TV-14-DL) Sipowicz is on the hunt … for a babysitter.

9-11PM
Bon Jovi Crush Tour (Fox Family, TV-PG) It’s Jovi’s first concert in five years, and if the tunes haven’t changed (they lead off with a double shot of ”Livin’ on a Prayer” and ”You Give Love a Bad Name”), neither has the fashion sense. (Drummer Tico Torres’ leather vest meets hairy chest look is truly something special.) But Jon Bon still knows how to work a crowd. ”You’ve spent too much time with those boy bands,” he yells in between anthems. ”You got a man band up here tonight, baby!” Fine, but do real men rub their own heinies while doing the cha-cha? B-

Wednesday February 14

8-10PM
Barbra Streisand — Timeless (Fox) Who says it costs $1,000 to see a Babs concert? This one — capturing her last show ever — is flat out free!

8-9PM
Captured On Film: The True Story Of Marion Davies (Turner Classic Movies, TV-PG) It’s not just any star that gets ridiculed in the greatest film of all time (Citizen Kane).

9-10PM
The West Wing (NBC, TV-14) Bartlet sizes up his possible competition for a second term, and it’s tall … as in Ed Begley Jr. tall.

9-10PM
Best Places To Pop The Question (Travel Channel, TV-PG) What do you mean the Giants Stadium Jumbotron didn’t make the list?

10-11PM
The Science Of Seduction (TLC, TV-PG) Forget flowers and Godiva. You want to learn what members of the opposite sex are really looking for in a Valentine’s mate? According to this special, women seek out money, while men look for, well, looks. Once that shocker sinks in, you can check out other barometers of attraction such as the ”smell test” (left), in which women sniff T-shirts men have slept in for two consecutive nights. Hmm, maybe flowers aren’t such a bad idea after all. C+

Thursday February 15

Syndicated*
Curtis Court (TV-PG) Buyer beware. Following ex hubby Rick Rockwell’s Wednesday appearance, Darva Conger offers up some advice in a dispute between ex lovers. *Check Local Listings

8-8:40PM
Friends (NBC, TV-PG) The whole ”supersize” plan seems fine, even if it does make us feel like we should be ordering Chicken McNuggets or something. Tonight, Susan Sarandon guest stars as an uppity actress at odds with Joey.

9-10PM
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (CBS, TV-PG-DSV) Warrick and Sara must investigate why Vegas is now one stripper short.

9-9:30PM
Will & Grace (NBC, TV-PG) Ellen DeGeneres guests as a nun, while Jack goes black.

9-10PM
Conspiracy Theory: Did We Land On The Moon? (Fox, TV-PG) According to skeptics, to believe that astronauts landed on the moon is to take one small step for man, and one giant leap of faith. This special examines many of the questions posed as to the authenticity of the event (e.g., if the moon has no wind or air, why is the American flag waving?). NASA nerds and doubting Thomases argue over this potential X-file, while narrator Mitch Pileggi serves as the next closest thing to Mulder and Scully in space suits. B-

Friday February 16

8-10:30PM
Do The Right Thing (Bravo, TV-14) Engrossing take on New York City race relations, even if it did foist Rosie Perez on us.

8-10:35PM
The Insider (Starz!, TV-R) Anyone got a light?

8:30-9PM
Norm (ABC, TV-PG-DL) ”Let’s get it on!” Norm and Denby go to Judge Mills Lane to settle a doggy dispute.

8:30-9:30PM
Popstars (The WB) Omigawd! Omigawd! Omigawd! (You can expect to hear that about 80 more times as the latest corporate created girl group members are finally chosen.)

9-10PM
Cheating Spouses Caught On Tape 2 (UPN, TV-14-DS) Proof that you don’t have to travel all the way to ”Temptation Island” to be a scumbag.

9:30-10PM
Grosse Pointe (The WB, TV-14-DL) Sarah Michelle Gellar shows up on set, and she wants to lock lips — with Marcy.

10-11PM
Fanclub: Bon Jovi (VH1, TV-PG) Ladies love the Jon Bon.

10-10:30PM
Casino Diaries (Discovery Channel, TV-G) Race car folks cruise the fast lanes of Las Vegas.

10-11PM
Nash Bridges (CBS, TV- PG-LV) Watch your back, Calderone; Crockett and Tubbs are on the loose! At least Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas are, as the latter guest stars tonight on Nash.

9-10PM
The Competition (A&E, TV-G) Sorry, XFL fans, you won’t find any scantily clad Outlaws or Hitmen cheerleaders in this A&E profile on teen groups competing in the Big D Dance and Cheer-Off. But as host Terry Bradshaw notes, you will find athletes able to ”combine gymnastics, dance, and acrobatics into a high energy show.” (And that’s almost as good, right?) You’ll also see how cheerleading in Texas has become such serious business that most of today’s squads exist solely for competition, and don’t actually support any local teams. If that strikes you as curious, just wait till you get a load of the self proclaimed ”cheerleading groupies.” B-

Saturday February 17

6:15-8PM
Conan The Destroyer (Encore, TV-PG) In the badass department, the barbarian has nothing on sidekicks Wilt Chamberlain and Grace Jones.

7-9PM
The Jetsons Meets The Flintstones (Cartoon Network TV-G) Okay, Dino and Astro — steel-cage match, now!

7-9PM
Oh, Heavenly Dog! (Fox Family, TV-PG) Chevy Chase and Jane Seymour get upstaged by a pooch.

8-8:30PM
Cops: Stupidest Criminals (Fox, TV-14-L) Let’s face it: A world without crime is a world without laughter.

8-10PM
Men At Work (Comedy Central, TV-14) Sheen, Estevez, and trash just go together.

9-10:30PM
Eminem In Concert (iN DEMAND, TV-MA-DLV) For only $19.95, you can throw your arms in the air and wave ’em like you just don’t care (if you do that kind of thing in the comfort of your own living room).

9-11PM
Hot Shots! Part Deux (Fox Family, TV-PG) The jokes fly fast and furious in this Rambo spoof.

9-10:40PM
The Whole Nine Yards (HBO, TV-R) Rosanna Arquette makes a strong case for her inclusion in the Bad Fake Accent Hall of Fame.

10-11PM
All New Bloopers No. 4 (ABC, TV-PG) Strictly for fans of Nos. 1 through 3.

11PM-Midnight
Mad TV (Fox, TV-14-DLSV) Guests Tony Hawk and Toni Braxton try and make funnies.

8-10PM
Time Machine: A History Of Stock Car Racing (History Channel, TV-G) Sure, it’s easy to make fun of any pastime whose storied figures have names like Cale, Junior, Rusty, Cotton, and Fireball. But they (Messrs. Yarborough, Johnson, Wallace, Owens, and Roberts, respectively) and others helped elevate a dirt track competition into our country’s most popular spectator sport. This two hour special, presented on the eve of the Daytona 500, does a solid if unspectacular job of presenting this rags to riches saga with stories aplenty of hard living heroes (Junior Johnson started running moonshine at age 14), dramatic contests (the unforgettable 1979 Daytona ended in a fistfight), and flaming deaths (we’ll miss you, Fireball). Even nonfans might want to make a pit stop. B — Wook Kim

Sunday February 18

7-7:30PM
Futurama (Fox, TV-PG-L) Flying brains conquer Earth, turning right minded folks into complete idiots. Coincidently, XFL ticket sales are booming!

7:30-8PM
The PJs (The WB, TV-PG-DLV) Thurgood is singing the blues when his band reunion hits a slight snag.

7:30-8PM
King Of The Hill (Fox, TV-PG-L) Bobby scores a ventriloquist’s dummy, but then turns on his little box mouthed friend.

8-9PM
Fear (MTV, TV-14) Six fraidy cats are sequestered in an abandoned cement factory and left to their own vivid imaginations.

8-8:30PM
Celebrity Homes (E!, TV-G) Sammy Hagar proves he’s a rock & roll softy by showing off his private putting green.

Sideshow Bob Alert! 8-8:30PM
The Simpsons (Fox, TV-PG-L) Bart is getting sleeeeeeepy when he finds himself hypnotized by everybody’s favorite sidekick convict.

8-10PM
Freedom Song (TNT, TV-14-L) Danny Glover stars in this top notch 1999 telepic on student civil rights protesters in a small Mississippi town.

8-9:35PM
They Call Me Sirr (Showtime, TV-PG) The Cincinnati Bungles, excuse me, Bengals, are a pretty embarrassing lot. But that didn’t stop Showtime from making a telepic (with Michael Clarke Duncan and Kente Scott) about one of their players, Sirr Parker.

8:30-9PM
Malcolm In The Middle (Fox, TV-PG) When Lois’ car is impounded due to 16 unpaid parking tickets, everyone’s a suspect. Actually, just Francis.

9-10PM
Behind The Music: Journey (VH1, TV-14) See what caused Steve Perry and his arena rock brethren to go their separate ways.

9-10:30PM
The Jackie Robinson Story (ESPN Classic) The inspirational second baseman plays himself, which kinda turns his entire career into a form of Method acting.

9-10PM
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (ABC) It’s a ”tax-free edition,” meaning the lucky bastards get to keep all their winnings from Uncle Sam.

9-11PM*
Anna Karenina (PBS) Masterpiece Theatre offers a modern day adaptation of Tolstoy’s famed Russian adulteress. *Check Local Listings

9-10PM
NBA CafĂ©: Eat To Win (Food Network, TV-G) With a daily diet consisting of ”two club sandwiches, fries, extra mayo on the side, and four Sprites,” Shaquille O’Neal certainly isn’t what you would call a health nut.

9-9:30PM
Nikki (The WB, TV-PG-DL) It’s the moment millions of salivating males have been waiting for, when Nikki takes her buxom body into the wrestling ring.

9-11PM
The Ballad Of Lucy Whipple (CBS) A mom (Glenn Close) and daughter (Jena Malone) try to make it together on a wild frontier filled with drunks, gold diggers, and Meat Loaf (the singer and the food).

Season Finale 9:30-10PM
Grosse Pointe (The WB, TV-14-DL) Hunter announces she’s getting married to Dweezil Zappa. Watch out, girl, his guitar’s gonna kill your mama!

10-11PM
Oz (HBO, TV-MA) An inmate on death row continues with his quest to get stoned, and we don’t mean via the wacky weed.

10-10:30PM
The Man Show (Comedy Central, TV-14) Jimmy pees all over international rock superstars Korn, and panics over his daughter’s sudden interest in trampolines.

10-11PM
The Reagan Years: Inside The White House (CNN) Whatever went on in Ronnie’s Oval Office, at least it probably didn’t involve interns.

9-10PM
The X-Files (Fox, TV-PG) An epochal event in the X-Files ”mythology,” but, as always with this series, an allusive, ambivalent one: Scully (Gillian Anderson, superbly distressed) may (or may not) have involved Mulder (a muted but no less effective David Duchovny) in her pregnancy to an extent we hadn’t realized (Scully IS pregnant, isn’t she?). Frankly (or maybe I should say Spotnitzly, since X-F coconspirators Frank Spotnitz and Chris Carter penned this episode), I’m as confused as John Doggett (Robert Patrick) is. But while he’s peeved about being kept in the dark (despite the fact that that’s always where the action is in The X-Files), I am happily resigned to my own bafflement. More monsters, please, sirs. B+ — Ken Tucker

9-11PM
The Princess And The Marine (NBC, TV-14) Not to be confused with Showtime’s recent The Princess and the Barrio Boy — which also costarred Marisol Nichols — this ripped from reality romance casts the Resurrection Blvd. cutie as the Bahraini royal family member who went against her parents’ wishes to hook up with a U.S. leatherneck (Saved by the Bell grad Mark-Paul Gosselaar). Actresses with Nichols’ regal charm don’t come a dime a dozen, but Gosselaar’s performance is as flat as his crew cut. So, too, is the script by writer Ronni Kern. At least, unlike Barrio Boy, this Princess doesn’t feature a cameo by Pauly Shore. C+