1 Antitrust A film about a Bill Gates type of guy who is trying to take over the world. No one knows how it ends — the projector keeps crashing.
2 Basic Instinct 2 It’s hit another setback. At this rate the writers may as well put in a racy scene in which Sharon Stone forgets to wear her adult diapers.
3 Jackson 5 Michael will record a few tunes with his brothers for a summer CD. If they can clear Tito’s schedule.
4 Backstreet Boys They stand to make $350 million on tour this year. Take out for hair, costumes, and choreography, and they take home an easy $5 million.
5 Vanilla Ice He was arrested after an alleged altercation with his wife. Sometimes you just don’t want to hear how much money Eminem makes.
6 Madonna and Britney They’re thinking about making a record together. Its working title is ”Oops! … I Left the House Naked Again.”
7 Save the Last Dance An ethnically challenged white girl has never seen black kids dance. Where’d they find her? The Texas governor’s mansion?
8 Donald Trump An irate golfer reportedly clubbed a black swan to death on Trump’s Palm Beach course. And critics say golf isn’t exercise.
9 Rosie O’Donnell She’ll be playing the Cat in the Hat on Broadway for the next month. Her backstage perks will include a private litter box and a pull toy.
10 Anna Nicole Smith The model was finally awarded nearly $500 million from her 90-year-old husband’s estate. Her first words: ”Is Strom Thurmond single?”
11 Jazz A 10-part documentary on the music invented in America. But listened to mostly in Europe.
12 Double Take A banker goes on the lam as a street hustler. He’s hiding from people he told to invest in dotcoms.
13 Three Sisters A guy narrates the antics of his wife’s family. Half of us don’t have to turn on the TV to hear that.
14 Chuck Norris He’s leaving Walker, Texas Ranger to do something different. Is there an opening on Will & Grace?
15 MTV The network claims it doesn’t have time to hold an inaugural ball for George W. Bush. The truth is they’re afraid Dick Cheney might get too wild.