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Oh, Sweet Lords

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Here’s a novel idea: Take sci-fi show. Insert babe. Sit back and watch the buzz build faster than…well, than some cool intergalactic ship that can go really fast. On Jan. 8, former porn vixen-turned-Hollywood actress Traci Lords, 30, joins the Sci Fi Channel’s drama First Wave as a bad-ass militia leader who battles aliens and stuff. Her first mission: Survive our barrage of stupid questions.

— Dan Snierson

— You’re on a sci-fi series, so tell us: What’s antimatter?

[Pause] I have no idea…antimatter…something that doesn’t matter?

— Do you ever work out to your exercise video, Warm Up With Traci Lords?

Noooo. I run, though. And I do ninjutsu, which is ninja street fighting. I suppose that sounds rather menacing. Not that I go around beating up my boyfriends — if I had any — but I probably could. Don’t print that. I’ll never get a date.

— What do hot chicks think about all day?

Hot men. And chocolate. And shopping. It’s pretty simple.

— I have to bring up something from your past that’s kind of embarrassing… What was it like guest-starring on Nash Bridges?

I actually loved Nash Bridges. I played this crook. She had on her little nurse’s uniform and stiletto Prada heels with diamond hearts on them. She was a seductress, and that was fun.

— Care to share a dirty secret from your Melrose Place stint?

They didn’t put chlorine in the pool because a lot of the actresses had blond hair that was sort of enhanced, let’s say, and chlorine is notorious for changing hair to green. So there was a certain actress — I’m not mentioning any names — that used to think it was funny to go in the pool and take a good pee if someone she didn’t like had to go in the next day. I always made a point of staying out of the pool.

— In 1998, you said, ”The only thing I could do to get over my porn past would be to win an Oscar, and I’m working toward that.” Any updates?

[Fake sobbing] It’s coming along very slowly, but I want you all to know that I love you. Thank you very much… [laughing] F — – the Oscar. I think I should get a Survivor award. They should put me on the island and see how I fare. I’m sure I’d probably win.

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