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Lady Madonna

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Hey, Mr. DJ: Put on ”Here Comes the Bride.” Press reports said Madonna, 42, and Brit director Guy Ritchie, 32, planned to pen their own vows for their Dec. 22 nuptials at Scotland’s Skibo Castle. After combing their trash, we think we’ve found the first drafts.

— Nicholas Fonseca

FROM THE DESK OF MADONNA

Guy, on this special paparazzi-infested day, in the presence of God, Sting, Rupert Everett, and a bunch of London DJs no one’s ever heard of, I offer my sacred promise to boogie-woogie as your faithful wife in good times and bad, in Music as well as that crappy American Pie cover, in the rare triumph Evita as well as every other movie I’ve made, in private parties at London’s Chinawhite club and unexpected open houses at our often-burgled British homes. Moreover, I vow to love you almost as much as I love myself, comfort you when overenthusiastic fans start hitting back, and support you when American audiences shun your heavily accented films like Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. (Hell, I’ve already made myself a walking billboard for your new film, Snatch.) I will do all of these things, and even tell you the truth before my publicist Liz Rosenberg denies it, as long as we both shall live — or at least until my hip British-mum act becomes passe.

Madonna, I stand here today in the presence of God, Gwyneth Paltrow, Luciano Pavarotti, and the fabulous Ali G, and humbly vow to stay by your side through the deafening roar of your 30-minute concerts and the awkward silence of your film premieres, through midnight diaper changes and mid-career image makeovers, through the ongoing search for a London home as well as the trendiest path to spiritual enlightenment. With this mehndi wedding ring as a token of my love, I also promise to stifle laughter at your faux British accent as long as we both shall live — or at least until The Next Best Thing 2. GR

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