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Sound Bites: The week's best TV quotes

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”Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.”
Doug (Kevin James) on The King of Queens

”A beauty queen in Thailand had to give up her crown because organizers discovered she’s a man. They should have been able to figure it out because her talent was peeing standing up.”
Conan O’Brien on Late Night

”Michael Douglas married Catherine Zeta-Jones. The entertainment at the reception was singer Tom Jones. The couple felt he was the perfect choice because, like the bride, he is Welsh and, like the groom, he is old and creepy.”
Tina Fey on SNL

”The company will be buried in an awkward ceremony out by the air conditioner.”
Jon Stewart, discussing the bankruptcy of online retailer Pets.com on The Daily Show

”I want my kids to be Jewish, not Jew-witch.”
Newly observant Sean (Greg Grunberg), breaking up with his Wiccan girlfriend, Meghan (Amanda Foreman), on Felicity

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