1. BUTTERFLY BALLOTS
We can trade stocks at home but we vote for President with a punch card? Next time let’s throw colored rocks into a hat.
2. WILL OF THE PEOPLE
Forty-nine percent of them stayed home on Election Day and chose no President. And they won.
3. INCORRECT NETWORK PREDICTIONS
Based on CEO exit polls, we predict not one network exec will lose his job over this.
Hillary beat her opponent by 12 points in a race that was ”too close to call.” Why can’t my bookie be this far off?
5. TIM RUSSERT
He’s on national television with a marker and a $10 message board. Give him a break — he only had four years to plan for this.
6. DAN RATHERISMS
More loopy down-home sayings than Minnie Pearl on crystal meth. Most of them fell flatter than Sam Donaldson’s toupée on a windy day.
”Our opponents are politicizing the election.” Duh.
8. THE HANGING CHADS
New T-shirt: ”I Voted in Palm Beach County and All I Got Was This Stupid President”
9. THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE
An impractical, unfair, outdated remnant of the distant past. Like Florida voting machines.
Gore told Bush, ”You don’t have to get snippy about it.” Yeah, some people get bent out of shape over the tiniest little thing.
Please, if you want to hear from obnoxious, unpleasant, know-nothing loudmouths, wear a Mets hat in a Georgia bar.
What’s the difference between the Sunshine State and a banana republic? Not a whole helluva lot.
13. FLORIDA’S ABSENTEE BALLOTS
Why are they overwhelmingly Republican? Because so many of them left the country when Clinton became President.
14. A HAND RECOUNT
Some people are against it, saying, ”Machines don’t make mistakes.” Great, I want to bank where they bank.
15. AL GORE & GEORGE W. BUSH
How do they expect to run the country if they can’t even steal an election properly?