1. AMERICAN TRAGEDY
A miniseries about the O.J. Simpson case. In case you missed the first 15,000 hours.
2. LITTLE NICKY
The son of Satan, Adam Sandler, visits earth. Giving Howard Stern a chance to take a vacation.
3. RED PLANET
Val Kilmer and friends try to set up a colony on Mars. After Val has been voted off the earth.
4. IN THE BEGINNING
A TV miniseries based on Bible stories. Many people in Hollywood already want to know if the author’s written anything else.
5. KATHIE LEE
They won’t even let her promote herself on her old show. She’ll have to get on the way everyone else does — by plugging an unwatchable movie.
One professor thinks the Bard was a pothead. But what giveth the pustulic baldmoth such an uncommonly feculent notion?
7. RICHARD HATCH
The Survivor millionaire just spent some of his money on liposuction. He had the surgeon remove 10 pounds of ugly clothes.
The online pet store went bust. The worst part? Having a vet put down the sock puppet.
9. PIERCE BROSNAN
The Irish-born actor wants to become an American citizen. If he can convince Immigration that he won’t stop working and go on the dole.
10. WHO WANTS TO DATE A HOOTERS GIRL?
In plans for syndication next fall. Followed by Who Wants to Eat a Meal Cooked by a Hooters Girl?
11. THE FULL MONTY
The musical about male strippers is a big hit on Broadway. Which is safe to visit now that all the strip clubs are gone.
12. LANCE BASS
The ‘N Syncer is planning to open a New York City nightclub. There’s nowhere for wealthy 13-year-old social climbers to go right now.
13. BRAD PITT
He’s been named PEOPLE magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. Once again, Alan Greenspan gets screwed.
14. CAMRYN MANHEIM
The Practice actress is pregnant on the show and in real life. Now that’s method acting.
15. OSCAR DE LA HOYA The singing boxer can’t get his ex-girlfriend out of his Bel Air mansion. Has he tried going broke?