If you’re still waffling among Gore, Bush, and Nader, add another presidential wannabe to your list: Diamond Joe Quimby, the hard drinking, graft loving mayor of Springfield on ”The Simpsons” (Fox, Sundays, 8 p.m.), has thrown his hat into the ring. In an exclusive, albeit highly suspect Fox sponsored poll, Quimby leads both George W. Bush and Al Gore by a 2 to 1 margin. Taking a break from the campaign trail to talk to EW.com, Quimby revealed why mimosas, Hollywood phonies, and Elian Gonzalez just might be his ticket to the White House.
Besides bearing an eerie resemblance to Sen. Edward Kennedy, what sets you apart from Gore and Bush?
I’m smarter than Bush, and prettier than either candidate or their wives.
What endorsements have you received?
I’ve won the support of the League of Loose Women Voters, the UAW (Unattached Adulterous Women), and the editorial board of AVN, Adult Video News.
Both candidates have been running their mouths about saving the environment. What’s your solution to global warming?
I have a two pronged approach: Men should drink plenty of ice cold mimosas; ladies should wear nothing but bras and go go boots.
If you do win the election, would you do anything special to benefit your hometown of Springfield?
If elected president, I would immediately turn my back on the local supporters who have stuck by me all these years. I would surround myself with Beltway insiders and Hollywood phonies, causing Springfielders to remark that I had ”changed.”
How has being the mayor of Springfield prepared you to become the leader of the free world?
From such civic duties as dedicating new Fotomats to resolving the local florists strike to judging the Miss Baby Springfield pageant, I feel fully prepared to handle any international crisis the world may throw at me.
If you’d been included in the debates, do you think you could have whomped the competition? It’s not like either Gore or Bush won the prize for Mr. Personality.
No. Those guys have me outclassed. Vote Quimby!
Who’s your choice for a running mate? We hear Ross Perot is available.
I would pick a vice president with proven voter popularity. Topping my list are the Pope, Elian Gonzalez, and Private Ryan.
What are the advantages of running a presidential campaign from a website?
Easy access to such websites as eGraft.com, Adultbabies.gov, and Corruptdrunkenphilanderingmayors.com.