1. Roger Clemens
The Yankee hurler threw a bat at the Mets’ Mike Piazza. Next on Fox: When Good Pitchers Go Bad.
2. Standard time
It’s time to set those clocks back one hour. Or eight years if Bush gets elected.
3. Book of Shadows
Five fans of the first Blair Witch spend a night in the Maryland woods. Five silly, stupid fans.
A town in New Jersey has limited it to two hours a night. It gets in the way of what school is really for — football and cheerleading.
5. Lucky Numbers
Things turn sour for John Travolta after he wins the lottery. Don’t let this happen to you! Give your tickets to me.
6. Pee-wee Herman
Paul Reubens will host the TV version of the CD-ROM You Don’t Know Jack. That’s one way to keep from becoming a question.
7. The Street
A prime-time soap based on the lives of Wall Street traders — those poor souls who struggle with the living hell of having too much money.
The Women’s Professional Football League. Who needs that when we’ve got the Chargers?
9. Anna Nicole Smith
Producers are reportedly suing her for pulling out of a movie starring Joey Buttafuoco. Then they’ll sue themselves for letting Buttafuoco stay in the movie.
10. George Michael
He paid $2 million for one of John Lennon’s old pianos. Shocking! Who knew he still had $2 million?
11. Toy Story 2
In some DVDs, a clip of John Cusack swearing appears by accident. He was just supposed to give the kids the finger.
The scariest costume of the year? Naked people pretending to be Richard Hatch.
The diva will play herself in a guest spot on Will & Grace. She is, after all, the poor gay man’s Barbra Streisand.
14. John Mellencamp & Stephen King
The two are collaborating on a Broadway musical: Jack & Diane & Cujo.
15. PlayStation 2
This year’s impossible-to-get $300 gift. Good. Now I can spend $300 more on my favorite lap dancer.