1. INSIST YOU WON’T DO NUDITY
After you’ve accepted the part of the transsexual hooker.
2. GO TO REPUBLICAN PARTY FUND-RAISERS
You won’t run into all those phony-baloney Hollywood types such as actors, producers, writers, and directors here.
3. TELL GAY JOKES
Oh, you are so charmingly politically incorrect. And so charmingly unemployed.
4. KEEP YOUR REAL NAME
Okay, it’s a toss-up between two unknowns, Ernest P. Huffnagle and Rick Rockefeller. Help me decide.
5. BE RUDE TO THE CREW
Don’t worry, they won’t tell everyone else in the business what an unholy little pill you are.
6. WAIT TO BE DISCOVERED
Big-time agents are always coming to Podunk Falls looking for the next big star. Make sure you don’t answer the door in curlers.
7. ABUSE YOUR CELL PHONE
Having a loud conversation with your ”agent” at a fancy restaurant does impress people. Tourists.
8. PARK IN AN EXECUTIVE’S SPOT
Not only will you never eat lunch in this town again, you’ll never serve lunch in this town again.
9. DON’T WORK OUT
You want to be known for your acting, not your body. And so does Jennifer Lopez.
10. SLEEP WITH THE SCREENWRITER
He’s the least powerful person in Hollywood. Magazine writers, now that’s another story.