Jim Mullen
October 13, 2000 AT 04:00 AM EDT

1. Henry the K’s Weather Report
We’ve learned another thing about Kissinger. He can’t do weather, either.

2. Justice Souter
Christy Brown wrote faster.

3. Billy Baldwin
Backdraft‘s biggest winner. Any more at home like him?

4. Thirtysomething‘s Cancellation
Gone after three years pandering to the highest common denominator. To be replaced by America’s Least Expensive Videos, Funny or Not.

5. Menudo
There was probably a perfectly legitimate reason for the nude audition.

6. Thelma & Louise
Originally called Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore Because She Killed Everybody.

7. Cheap Airfares
Airline executive math quiz: If I’m unemployed and you cut airfares in half, how many more tickets will I buy?

8. Bob Dylan’s 50th Birthday
He’s so hard to buy for. So I got him a Ralph Lauren shirt and a bottle of Eternity.

9. Woman in Combat
Let’s do this the democratic way — find 100 rich white men to decide what’s good for women.

10. Mandatory Makeup
Who came up with this idea? Mary Kay? It’ll never fly.

11. Trump’s Palm Beach Mansion
Let Donald develop Mar-a-Lago or, he says, he’ll sell to the Reverend Moon. How do you say ”Bite me” in Korean?

12. Johnny Carson’s Last Season
Right. And this time he’s gonna stay married.

13. Maureen O’Hara
She came out of retirement for a John Candy turkey? What was she waiting for, a Jerry Van Dyke film?

14. Dennis Miller
He’s sharp, he’s topical, he has big hair. Let’s face it,he meets all the requirements for getting his own late-night TV talk show.

15. Nicol Williamson
Broadway’s baddest boy.I guess he’s not happy being a big ham in a small Hamlet.

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