1. TIGER WOODS
The golf star signed a $100 million contract with Nike. Obviously, it pays a lot better to wear their clothes than to make them.
2. L.A. TRANSIT STRIKE
How can you tell?
3. ALEC BALDWIN
The activist actor denies saying he will leave the country if George W. Bush wins. Whoops! There goes Dubya’s one surefire ploy for votes.
4. MIKE TYSON
Iron Mike said the only thing keeping him from killing journalists at a press conference was that he was taking Zoloft. Hey, who took all my placebos?
5. THE OLYMPICS
Sure, every Friday me and my friends go fencing. Where are the medals for golf, bowling, and pool?
6. JACK NICHOLSON
He and Lara Flynn Boyle may have ended their yearlong romance. What a shock! Did anyone see this coming?
7. ELTON JOHN HAS LEFT THE BUILDING
But unlike Elvis, he leaves 30 minutes before the show.
8. HERPES VACCINE
All those blow-dried TV newscasters sure seem happy about the news, don’t you think?
9. THE LONE RANGER AUCTION
His costume may go for as much as $60,000. If you want a mask that badly, shouldn’t we ask where you got the money?
10. KEVIN SPACEY
He and Harrison Ford each gave $100,000 to the SAG strike fund. Are they up for Oscars this year?
11. BARBRA STREISAND
She’s doing her last two ”farewell” shows. If she changes her mind, do we get our money back?
Figures show it’s America’s most dangerous breed of dog. Statistically that makes them a thousand times safer than humans.
13. PRINCESS DIANA
Her private secretary will publish his memoirs next month. Leaving exactly 17 people in England who haven’t written about her.
14. JOHN MCENROE
Tennis’s onetime bad boy blasted Venus and Serena for being rude. How gracious of him.
15. CHARLIE SHEEN
The Spin City star guesses he’s slept with 5,000 women. Actually it’s 10 women 500 times; he’s just not good with faces.