1. The Sydney Olympics
Due to the time difference, most of it will be on tape. But to make it look real, I’m turning my TV set upside down.
2. Margaret Salinger
J.D.’s daughter has written a tell-all about her famously reclusive father. He’s working on something new too. His will.
3. JFK action figure
Remarkably lifelike. Whatever you do, don’t leave it alone in the closet with Barbie.
The yearly awards honor the best in television. It should be a 15-minute show.
5. GOPD Blue
George W. got caught calling a reporter a crude name. Many blame his new communications adviser, Eminem.
6. Booty dancing
Some folks want to ban the dance in which a woman grinds her backside into a man. Sure, after I wasted all that money on lessons.
7. Tom Clancy
His new work, The Bear and the Dragon, is No. 1 on the best-seller lists this week. Who knew he could write a children’s book?
8. Jerry Hall
She says Mick Jagger is a wonderful guy but a terrible husband. Isn’t that the definition of husband?
9. Dr. Laura
The radio star takes to TV to rail against unwed mothers, illicit sex, and bad behavior in general. Right after your favorite soap operas.
10. Frederick’s of Hollywood
The home of over-the-top lingerie is near bankruptcy. It accidentally put all its profits in a bottomless bank-deposit bag.
The legendary Broadway musical is closing its doors after 18 years. And that’s how long it will take to get that litter-box smell out of the theater.
12. Geraldo Rivera
The cable-TV host is thinking of running for mayor of New York City. Raising the question: Would someone from network TV make a better mayor?
A Mexican agave shortage is driving up the cost of the booze. In a related story, Oasis has raised ticket prices.
14. Robin Williams
It’s been announced that he’s thinking of playing Liberace in a new film bio. Didn’t Nathan Lane already do that in The Birdcage?
15. Scooter injuries
Experts say kids should wear helmets and elbow guards. Hell, most kids should wear those to bed.