1. IMMUNITY CHALLENGES
Wouldn’t Monicagate have been more fun if Bill Clinton and Ken Starr had a few of these?
The duplicitous, scheming, conniving, backstabbing winner. He doesn’t need an agent, he should be one.
The spunky runner-up came back from the island with some kind of horrible parasite. Hey, we told her not to eat the airline food.
4. SURVIVOR BOARD GAME
The first reward challenge? You have to sit through an entire episode of Big Brother without falling asleep.
5. RICHARD’S WEIGHT LOSS
He didn’t have liposuction, he had excess skin removed. Which is being made into three matching suitcases and a trunk.
6. ”GOT MILK?” AD
Richard on a desert island with a milk mustache. Milk, just the thing to wash down larvae.
7. THE TRIBE HAS SPOKEN
And it said, ”Who writes this hokey crap?”
8. SURVIVOR RERUNS
CBS will air them opposite the Olympics on NBC. Rhythmic gymnastics, get ready to rumble.
9. KELLY’S STREAK
She won four humiliating immunity challenges. At college, they call that hazing.
10. I LIKE RICH … NOT IN A HOMOSEXUAL WAY
And we like Rudy … not in a cranky-old-fart way.
11. THE PAYOFF
The ”losers” are appearing on Jeopardy!, JAG, Hollywood Squares, and Diagnosis Murder. Shouldn’t they be on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
12. ”HATCHING” A DEAL
It now means the matter was done through manipulation and secret alliances. Also known as ”planning a wedding.”
13. THE ALLIANCE
It doesn’t prove nice guys finish last. It proves nice guys don’t want to appear on reality shows.
Winner of the ”Who would you like to be stranded on a desert island with?” award. Unless, of course, you’re Richard.
15. SURVIVOR II
The dingo-ate-my-baby version premieres right after the Super Bowl. Write that down, you may not hear anything about it before then.