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Article

'Survivor' Oscars: Summer Cum Laude

Our awards recognize the less lucrative achievements of the reality-show cast

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Sure, only one castaway took home a million bucks, but that doesn’t mean there weren’t more winners on that island! Here, EW raises a coconut to the victors of our own Survivor awards.

SAFEST BUG HIDEOUT
Colleen’s leg sores

THE RON POPEIL AWARD FOR USELESS INVENTIONS
Sean, for Superpole 2000 and his bowling alley

WORST P.R. FOR PUDDING
Susan’s ear-stabbing pronunciation of tapioca

LEAST SEXY COME-ON
Sean asking his masseuse, ”My ass look as bony as it feels?”

MOST UNSETTLING CINEMATIC ALLUSION
Surely naked Richard’s practice of sitting around with his li’l Richie hidden between his crossed legs was a tip o’ the crotch to The Silence of the Lambs‘ Buffalo Bill.

WORST AFTERTASTE
The Pagong rice, after B.B. washed his shirt in the kettle

THE RICHARD HATCH ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT AWARD
Susan’s hubby, Tim

CREEPIEST JUXTAPOSITION
Richard wondering how Rudy will react to his homosexuality…intercut with footage of the SEAL throwing a knife

MOST UNEXPECTED SIGN OF A SOUL
Susan crying that she’s not going to ”f—” over her new best friend Kelly

MOST PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE NOMINATION
Sean’s vote for ”Cooleen”

ANGELINA JOLIE AWARD FOR UNSETTLING SIBLINGS
Greg and his nonsense-spouting, face-contorting sister

THE TELL-IT-LIKE-IT-IS AWARD
Colleen on Richard: ”Go home and go get your liposuction and go catch more fish, ’cause you’re bugging me.”

BEST VICTORY DANCE
Richard, after winning the fire-building challenge. Now when people say ”dance with the devil,” you’ll know the steps.

WORST-NEWS-FOR-OUR-NATION’S-STUDENTS AWARD
Teacher Gretchen writing her nomination for Joel with a backward J

SPARTACUS AWARD FOR BEST LOVE SCENE
Rudy lotioning up Richard

BEST ADVERTISEMENT FOR HOLISTIC MEDICINE
Dr. Sean’s alphabetical voting strategy

THE ”AND WHAT RELIGION IS THAT?” AWARD
Rudy, for saying ”The only reason I’d bring a Bible is if — I mean, I’m religious too — if I needed toilet paper”

BIGGEST OVERSTATEMENT
”Oh, yeah, we’re styling,” said Joel as he gnawed on a rat.

MOST UNFLAGGING DEDICATION TO RITUAL
Jeff Probst, for extinguishing torches that weren’t even lit

BEST ELIAN GONZALEZ IMPERSONATION
Richard’s son, wishing his father well while looking like he was being held at gunpoint

CHALLENGE THAT MOST BELONGED ON BIG BROTHER
The breath-holding competition

WORST CANDIDATE FOR CAT-SITTING
Greg, for his ”snap [the kitten’s] neck” metaphor

THE WARM FUZZIES AWARD
Rudy: ”I’ll probably never see these people again. It’s the way I want it.”

BIGGEST OPTIMIST
Gretchen, for holding up the unrecognizable chicken carcass eaten by a monitor lizard, and saying, ”Half the chicken’s there … You boil it long enough, you can eat anything.”

BEST ACTOR
Gervase, for collapsing after a race through the woods — during which he exerted himself not one iota.

THE ELIE WIESEL/PAULY SHORE AWARD FOR ACHIEVEMENT IN HISTORICAL ANALOGY
Susan, for commenting on Dirk’s gaunt figure with ”You look like a Nazi-war-prisoner-camp-dude”

BIGGEST LANDLUBBER
Sean’s dad, for his face-first debarkation onto the island

BEST KINDLING
Sonja’s ukulele

MOST IN NEED OF GINKGO BILOBA
Rudy, forgetting every clue he was given during the ”Survivor Witch Project” competition

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