1. HELEN HUNT AND HANK AZARIA
The golden couple have gone their separate ways. Has anyone seen Russell Crowe hanging around their house recently?
2. THE REPLACEMENTS
A movie about a bumbling amateurish football team. Also called The Cleveland Browns Story.
3. CECIL B. DEMENTED
Filmmakers kidnap Melanie Griffith and force her to act. That explains so many of her movies.
4. HARRISON FORD
He rescued an ailing mountain climber with his helicopter. Suddenly, hundreds of women are having trouble getting down that mountain.
5. MACAULAY CULKIN
The 19-year-old actor split with his wife of two years. They kept fighting over whose Harry Potter books were whose.
6. GERVASE SPOILER
Would the Survivor producers lower themselves to a cheap publicity stunt? Oh yeah, the whole show’s a publicity stunt.
7. THE TODAY SHOW
A flasher exposed her breasts outside the studio’s window. Will Demi Moore stop at nothing?
8. DEATH ROW MARV
A doll strapped to Old Sparky that your kids can electrocute over and over again. Coming soon: Lethal Injection Barbie.
9. REGIS PHILBIN
One of the tabloids is running a diary of a cheerleading coach who claims she had an affair with him. I didn’t even know he was planning to run for office.
10. DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION
They won’t get the coverage the Republicans did. It’s not national news every time a black person speaks to them.
11. NEW PLANETS
Scientists have discovered 10 of them. One already has a Home Depot and a Starbucks.
12. BLESS THE CHILD
Evil forces try to corrupt an innocent girl. But somehow she escapes ‘N Sync and Britney Spears.
The worst in 50 years are sweeping some western states. If only they’d built wall-to-wall malls like the East Coast, this wouldn’t be happening.
14. BRING IT ON
Soft-core porn disguised as a teen comedy about cheerleaders. It won the Golden Globes at Cannes.
15. THE CELL
Flesh-revealing star Jennifer Lopez stars in this thriller as a brilliant scientist. She’s been trying for years to discover Victoria’s Secret.