1. RAZOR SCOOTERS
The $100 silver skateboard with a tiller is the big fad this summer. Next summer’s fad will be buying them at lawn sales for a buck.
2. BARBRA STREISAND
She’ll give her final concerts this September. But she intends to make many more bad movies.
3. THE SOPRANOS
A New Jersey casting call for the show drew about 14,000 people. Or 28,000 kneecaps.
They’ve announced plans to build a third theme park in Anaheim. The only ride will turn you upside down and shake out any leftover money.
5. NUTTY PROFESSOR II: THE KLUMPS
Eddie Murphy plays six major roles. He also sells the popcorn and runs the projector.
6. MARLON BRANDO
Contrary to rumor, he does not show up every day on the set of his new picture pantless. Only on casual Fridays.
7. DRIVER DISTRACTION
Studies show cell phones, CDs, reading, and eating while driving cause accidents. That’s — Watch it, jerk, I’m typing! — hard to believe.
8. TIGER WOODS
The 24-year-old British Open winner has accomplished a feat no one thought possible. He’s made golf on television watchable.
9. THE PLANT
Stephen King has released his new chiller, at $1 an episode, on the Internet. If it doesn’t work, he’s going to try Buck-a-Chapter vending machines.
10. SURVIVOR II
CBS will launch it after the Super Bowl. ABC will counter with WWF Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.
11. POLITICAL CONVENTIONS
They’re too boring for full network coverage. We should pick presidents by Tribal Council?
12. NFL PRESEASON FOOTBALL
If you’re watching parolees in shoulder pads pound one another in the middle of the summer, then NFL stands for No Friggin’ Life.
13. JOAN COLLINS
She won’t play Mrs. Robinson on the London stage because she doesn’t want to appear nude. To such a small audience.
14. GRAND OLE OPRY
They’ve made guitars from the old auditorium’s oak pews. You play them with your butt.
15. BRAD PITT & JENNIFER ANISTON
They’ve denied rumors that they’re getting married. They want to see if they still like each other on bad hair days.