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Emmys 2017
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A peek at the ''Dieter'' script

A peek at the ”Dieter” script — A look at the November 1999 draft of Mike Myers’ troubled film

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All this talk of lawsuits has become tiresome. In this part of the Dieter-onomy we reveal the story line of Mike Myers’ most famous unmade film. According to a November 1999 draft obtained by EW (not the absolute latest version, but not the earliest), the movie centers on the kidnapping of Dieter’s beloved monkey, Klaus. Think Fassbinder meets Dunston Checks In.

The film opens by aping Wim Wenders’ Wings of Desire, with Dieter flying over Berlin, a Berlin in which the weather forecast is ”bleak…with scattered ennui moving in from the north and a 30% chance of suicide.” We go behind the scenes of Sprockets (which is now the anchor for German TV’s ”Watch or Be Punished Thursday”) and learn that Klaus is a porno-loving booze monkey. Still, when Klaus is abducted, ratings plummet (even with Jamie Farr and an animatronic Martin Van Buren as sidekicks), and the show is canceled.

Suspecting one-time Sprockets guest and ratings rival David Hasselhoff of taking Klaus, Dieter journeys to L.A. and we get some good ol’ herring-out-of-water Hollywood skewering. Dieter is invited to a party at Hasselhoff’s mansion, where he runs into his former flame Dick Van Patten and pitches an Old Yeller sequel called Two-Headed Old Yeller to none other than Imagine’s Brian Grazer and Ron Howard, who both weep uncontrollably.

In the end, the FBI and a grizzled monkey tracker get involved in the Klaus hunt. We won’t spoil the final act — just in case, y’know — but it does involve a talking car and Dieter covered in marzipan. As a whole? The film’s cheeky, often weirdly tangential, self-referential, and right in keeping with Myers’ oeuvre — sort of a Wayne’s Weltanschauung.