1. KATHIE LEE FAREWELL
Is she still here? Who’s teaching her how to say goodbye — Naomi Judd?
2. CHRISTINA AGUILERA
Reports say she’s signing with a teen cosmetics line. Nipple liner, belly-button blush, cleavage highlighter, and hickey enhancer.
3. TOBACCO VERDICT
A Florida jury awarded smokers $145 billion in damages. Some want to take it in free cigarettes.
4. BIG BROTHER
Each day it seems there’s a revelation about some contestant’s unsavory past. You’d think they were running for something.
5. DREW BARRYMORE & TOM GREEN
They’re making wedding plans right now. The big problem is finding a caterer who can prepare roadkill for 300 guests.
6. THE MARRIAGE PENALTY
It was months before I figured out they were talking about taxes.
The 54-year-old singer’s thinking of adopting a baby girl. Or some other ”now” accessory.
8. JACK WELCH
He got $7 million to write a book about how he made GE great. ”First, I didn’t pay anyone $7 million…”
9. WHAT LIES BENEATH
A dead woman Harrison Ford had an affair with is haunting his wife. At least they have something to talk about at dinner.
Ads for the ABC sitcom will appear above men’s urinals in New York City. They can’t use the subway platforms like everyone else?
11. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
He was photographed nude at the Kennedy estate. Who hasn’t been?
12. CELEB JURY DUTY
Dan Rather and Regis Philbin were summoned. Your agent called — for his 10 percent of the $40.
13. MALE CONTRACEPTIVE PILL
Here’s a good rumor to start: ”They’re worried guys will refuse to take them because they give you such a buzz.”
14. SURVIVOR SPOILER
Someone who hacked into the CBS website says he knows who will win. The good news is that he’s been voted off the planet.
A geeky doofus meets the girl of his dreams. If this doesn’t sound familiar, welcome to your first movie.