Outcast, mutant superheroes save the world. Great. Now what are they going to do about the price of gas?
2. Spike Lee
He wonders where all the slaves went in The Patriot. Who the hell does he think built all the sets?
3. Big Brother
Ten people trapped in a house for three months with nothing to do while being watched constantly. Fox is working on a low-budget version called Prison.
4. Green Ketchup
Heinz is changing the color of its signature product to appeal to kids. And adults will love the new Jennifer Lopez-shaped bottle.
5. Sir Sean Connery
Queen Elizabeth II has knighted the original Bond. It’s an honor you get in Britain for sleeping with all those beautiful women.
6. J.K. Rowling
The Harry Potter author took a four-day publicity tour on a train around the U.K. Otherwise, how would we know about the new book?
7. Where Did Our ”Return to Love” Tour Go?
They’ve pulled the plug on a bunch of Diana Ross concerts. To return your tickets — oh yeah, you didn’t buy any.
8. Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid
He’s filed for divorce. Let’s hope the news didn’t spoil their dates.
Let’s get drunk and try to outrun 1,000-pound angry bulls down narrow, slippery, cobblestone streets. It’ll look good on our resumes.
10. Andrea Gail
The boat used in The Perfect Storm was auctioned off on eBay. Is this really the time you want to hear, ”Going once, going twice, gone”?
11. Emmy Nominations
They should add a few new categories — Best Actor in a Smackdown, Best Wailing by a Miami Relative, Least Irritating Survivor.
12. Missile Defense System
A second $100 million test failed big. Man, let’s hope nobody steals that secret.
13. Young Americans
A weekly look at life in a New England prep school. Wasn’t this once called Meet the Press?
14. Opposite Sex
A new dramedy about three boys who join an all-girls school. It could be more demeaning to women — they could be on football scholarships.
15. Britney Spears
She’s denied the rumors she’s marrying one of the guys from ‘N Sync. He doesn’t make enough.