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Who'll bite the dust in the ''Facts of Life'' movie?

Plus, Victoria Jackson has a hard time on Comedy Central

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The Facts of Life
Everette Collection

‘LIFE’ GOES ON You take the good, you take the bad… and before too long, you have plans for a two-hour reunion of ”The Facts of Life.” Lisa Whelchel, who played snooty Blair on the ’80s sitcom, says ABC hopes to shoot the update this fall (the network won’t confirm). Producers pitched a kinder, gentler Blair, but Whelchel put her Manolo Blahnik-ed foot down: ”Blair should be as vain and shallow as always.”

Far from a sunny reunion, the update has all the makings of a very special episode — even killing off one of the girls! ”The biggest fact of life is death,” explains Deborah Dean Davis of her ”Big Chill”-like plans for the script. ”You’ve got to have a reason to get together besides premenopause.” Though Davis won’t say who bites it, things don’t look good for Nancy McKeon’s tomboy Jo or Kim Fields’ Tootie. While Charlotte Rae (Mrs. Garrett) and Mindy Cohn (Natalie) are in negotiations to star, McKeon and Fields are only committed for cameos.

BORN AGAIN BLOND In Comedy Central’s new ”Strip Mall,” ”SNL” alum Victoria Jackson plays — surprise! — a ditzy blond. While the role may not be much of a stretch, the show’s sexually explicit material (it features a porn actress named Fisty, plus an ejaculating pig) can be a challenge for Jackson, who’s a born-again Christian. ”They wanted me to say a-s-s,” spells the mother of two. Producers cut the offending word — but drew the line when she objected to ”crap.” ”It was in the context of, ‘Nobody wants to buy that crap,”’ explains exec producer Charlie Coffey. ”Victoria said, ‘I can’t say c-r-a-p because it’s the same as saying s-*-*-t in the eyes of our Lord. What if I say poop?”’ The hard part, admits Coffey, is anticipating Jackson’s objections. ”She won’t say ‘crap,’ but she’ll say ‘spew-guzzling whore.”’