1. LETHAL WEAPON 1776
Mel Gibson got $25 million to fight the British in The Patriot. ”Give me liberty, or give me a percent of the gross!”
2. THE BUTTAFUOCOS
Mary Jo and Joey have separated. Fortunately, she will get to keep the name.
3. BIG BROTHER
Another Survivor-type show where contestants, stuck in a house, will be at each other’s throats constantly. Which reminds me, your wife called.
4. ME, MYSELF & IRENE
Jim Carrey’s split personalities both fall for Renée Zellweger. It’s what every girl wants to hear: ”You complete half of me.”
5. THE PERFECT STORM
George Clooney takes a small fishing boat out into 100-foot waves. Because it’d be silly to play golf in that kind of weather.
6. BIG MOUTH BILLY BASS
Every other TV ad seems to be for this singing fish. You’d think it was running for Senate in New Jersey.
7. HARRY POTTER IV
Some parents think it’s immoral for kids to read about wizards. When they should be blasting aliens in videogames.
8. PRINCE WILLIAM
The future king of England turned 18. Making him eligible for a 10 percent discount at better hotels and restaurants everywhere.
Regis and Kathie Lee’s producer got married. I’ll put it here in case they forget to mention it on the show.
10. STEPHEN KING
He may put another e-book out on the Net. I’m waiting until it comes out on cell phone.
11. SURVIVOR II
They’re taking applications for the next show in Australia’s outback. Put another rat on the barbie.
12. DONNY AND MARIE
Their talk show won’t be renewed for another year. Not to worry, though, McDonald’s is hiring.
13. MATTHEW PERRY
He pulled himself out of the Emmy race because his name was submitted in the wrong category: Rich Actor instead of Filthy Rich Actor.
14. CHICKEN RUN
A clay-animation movie about talking hens who plot to make a break for freedom. And you think your kids are finicky eaters now?
15. ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE
A squirrel and a moose foil spies Boris and Natasha. Written by Los Alamos’ head of security.