Who will win the $$$million bucks?
We’ve dedicated this space for the past two weeks to speculating on which castaway will be ejected next on CBS’ summer smashola ”Survivor.” The most recent loser was Dirk, the born-again dairy farmer who couldn’t carry his weight as a hunter/fisherman. But instead of predicting future also-rans, let’s think positive and start speculating on which islander will turn out to be the ultimate Survivor.
RICHARD As Rudy so memorably put it, ”He’s fat, but he’s good.” The flab-ulous corporate trainer has proven a heavyweight contender for the championship, demonstrating impressive eel-catching skills and deviously forming an axis with truck driver Susan and river guide Kelly. He’s also a skilled snake handler (no surprise considering his big-biz background), so he might just slither away with the $1 million prize — unless his public nudity (as seen in the scenes from next week) turns too many people off.
SUSAN She can’t spell (this week, she voted off ”DERK”), she has no tact (telling the emaciated Dirk that he looked like ”a Nazi war prisoner”), and she has an unhealthy obsession with finding tapioca on the island. But would you want to be the one to tell her she has to leave?
RUDY Sean, the doctor, voted to oust the salty senior citizen this week, calling him ”a phenomenal person” but rationalizing that he might be a drag on upcoming athletic challenges. But I’d put my money on a steely ex-Navy SEAL over a cocky Noo Yawker with a pierced nipple any day.
GERVASE After slacking off in last week’s relay, the aquatically challenged YMCA roundball coach redeemed himself by outrowing Kelly, a whitewater raft guide (”I got beat by a guy who can’t even f—ing swim,” she groused). But the sexist remark he uttered in the teaser for the next episode could alienate his female teammates.
GREG AND COLLEEN He may deny their affair, but the camera doesn’t lie. If the jungle romance between the Ivy League grad and the Moira Kelly look-alike stays hot and heavy, they could band together and split the cash if one wins. But their lovey-dovey behavior might annoy their horny, lonely teammates. Gervase is already starting to look gealous — er, jealous.
THE CHICKENS The Pagong tribe won three barnyard beauties, and if they can manage to lay eggs under pressure, they might just outlast all of their human counterparts. Yet it’s not a good sign that Jenna named them Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner (no wonder one of them pecked her breast). If only these people had seen ”Chicken Run.”