1 GLADIATOR A Roman general is stripped of his office and forced into slavery. Ben-Hur, done that.
2 ACTORS’ STRIKE SAG members won’t appear in any TV commercials until it’s over. You may never get service like this in a restaurant again.
3 ‘N SYNC They plan to star in a movie. It will be rated AB-17: Absolutely no one over 17 should want to get in.
4 MOTHER’S DAY The yearly fund-raiser for the greeting-card business. It seems like we just gave at Christmas.
5 JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS A made-for-TV version of the quest for the Golden Fleece. Shouldn’t they really be looking for shirts and pants?
6 I DREAMED OF AFRICA Kim Basinger runs a farm in Kenya. Call me when she dreams of L.A. Confidential 2.
7 REGIS PHILBIN Doctors had to unclog his arteries once again. That’s two lifelines.
8 BRUCE WILLIS His guest appearances on Friends are boosting ratings. And he didn’t even shoot any of them.
9 ABC BLACKOUT Too many channels confusing you? Get Time Warner Cable.
10 WHO IS THE SMARTEST KID IN AMERICA? A TV game show for children. Trust me, the smartest kid in America is the one who isn’t watching TV.
11 THE CANNES FILM FESTIVAL The winner will receive the prestigious Palme d’Or. Which roughly translates as ”You’ll never see this at the cineplex.”
12 COMING SOON Some ATMs now make customers watch a movie trailer before giving them their money. Remember the good old days, when you could just go to a teller?
13 METALLICA The band is upset about losing royalties to kids who download their music for free. Where do fans learn such rebellious behavior?
14 BOB BARKER He’s signed on for his 29th year as host of The Price Is Right. That’s a load off our minds.
15 UP AT THE VILLA Kristin Scott Thomas in yet another crumpet opera. In this episode, Lord Stiff Upper and Lady Upper Crust Lip raise their voices.