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Sound Bites

The funniest TV lines from the week of April 28/May 5, 2000.

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“I thought this was touching that Eli├ín’s father came all the way from Cuba to pick up the kid…. When I was a kid, my dad wouldn’t even pick me up from band practice.” DAVID LETTERMAN on Late Show

“The European Union put forward a resolution at the U.N. urging Russia to investigate reports of mass killings by their troops in Chechnya. A spokesman for Russia said, ‘Yeah, we’ll get right on that.'” DENNIS MILLER on The Dennis Miller Show

“I’d love to, but I have a medical condition: I’m huge.” DOUG (KEVIN JAMES), when asked if he wants to run a 10K race, on The King of Queens

“Yesterday, several conservative groups accused George W. Bush of pandering for votes because he met with a group of gay Republicans. They may be right, because shortly after the meeting, Bush announced that Ricky Martin has a sweet a– .” CONAN O’BRIEN on Late Night